Sunday, December 25, 2005
He stood in the middle of the isle, with his numb eyes glancing back and forth from doll to doll, wondering which would bring his little love the most joy; the most happiness. A shiver ran through him all the time now, no matter how many shirts or sweaters or coats or gloves or scarves he wore. Colder than the blustery wind outside, or the below freezing temperatures, or the stinging snow blowing in peoples eyes. One of the worst blizzards of the past 50 years, they said. But his shudder was caused by a much deeper cold; one brought on by fear.
He was tired. God, he was tired. His shoulders slumped forward so much; it looked as though he was about to topple over. The girl at the till caught herself three times from running over to catch him from falling. He noticed out of the corner of his eye, and any other time, he would have been touched by her humanity. But at least for now, he didn't care.
Had it really been 4 years? It was a lifetime ago that he had lost his wife to complications of childbirth. That it had happened so close to the Holiday season made the burden upon his heart all the more heavy. There were incomplete memories of dreams they had shared together playing in his mind. They had looked forward to the blessing of a new baby during the Christmas season...full of spirit and mirth and the unknown quantity that settles into peoples hearts and makes them softer to those about them. Their child would be brought into the world at the height of the year when most people were at their most giving, at their most loving. Decorations and songs would herald their new arrival, intended or not. She had even giggled at his insistence to decorate the bassinet with garland trimming.
Her death had come hard. She had held her brand new baby girl and had coo-ed at her. Even breastfed her. She sent him home to prepare things, and by the time he came back the following day...he forced it out of his mind with the fierce determination that had gotten him through the past 4 years. And that's when he realized he could barely remember from then to now. Day upon day had past, but he could only remember snippets of a few. Suddenly he was aware that he had been standing there for quite some time, staring at a bunch of dolls without really looking, and lost in the past. If he were to allow himself to venture down that road he really would become lost, and the all-to-familiar ache would return to his chest.
"Ducks", he said to no one in particular. "She likes ducks." He gathered up the doll with a duck on it's shirt, paused, and then gathered up the other one anyway. What is money during a time such as this anyway? It was everything and nothing, he reasoned. It could find the best doctors in the world, but it couldn't find cures. At least...not fast enough.
"It's a lucky little girl you have", remarked the 20-something cashier. She was doing a poor job of hiding her interest in him, he noticed. It wasn't likely she was looking to date him; she seemed more interested in learning his story.
"I'm the lucky one" he barely whispered. He avoided making eye contact with her, for fear that she could see his heart in his stomach, and his soul in his throat. She finished ringing him out wordlessly, and he took his bag of dolls. Only when he was almost to the door did she call out a plaintive "Merry Christmas", as though it were almost a question. It was one that went unanswered. He had a little girl to get to.
The snowstorm was as good as advertised for once. There wasn't many people out on the roads, since most people were already home, and weren't driven by a fear that was colder than the one that whipped around him. It was only a few more miles, but luck wasn't on his side that night; every blasted light conspired against him. Each light made him grow more annoyed. He should be with his little girl, and each light was another delay keeping them apart. The stiff-cold steering wheel creaked under his clenched hands, and he became aware how cold his car was. Every squeak and groan from the hard plastic and metal seemed to amplify as he suddenly became more aware of his surroundings. He had been so lost in thought, that he hadn't realized he was shivering noticeably. In fact, he hadn't bothered to turn the heat on. "Not much point", he thought, "when I'm 2 blocks away."
The worn and weary man pulled into his regular parking spot and stepped out into the chilled night air. Relax, he reminded himself. Relax and be calm. She doesn't need to see your worry. With that in mind, he indulged in a luxury of a moment to himself. A moment to take in the winter air. It amazed him how still and quiet it was. The only sound he could hear was that of the street lamps buzzing, and the crunch of the softly packed snow crunching under his feet as he ambled to the doorway. Inspiration hit him, and he scooped up a handful of snow, and softly packed it. It was small enough to fit in his pocket, but then again, she was a small little girl.
Quickly making his way up the steps after stepping through the door, he turned the corner and silently sneaked into his daughter's room. Seeing her sleeping wasn't so much as a surprise as seeing her sleeping so peacefully. She was as still as the air he had drawn outside, and the cold fear within reached for his throat. Striding towards her bed, he stubbed his toe on the chair, and it was enough to wake her. She turned to him, and her eyes became alight. It was the sort of look that healed all his internal worry. "Daddy!"
"Shhh, not so loud", he winked. And with it, he pulled the snowball out of his pocket, handing it to her discretely. She giggled, and remarked how cold it was.
"What's going on in there?" boomed a deep baritone voice from behind them both. Daddy shielded her from seeing the intruder, and from the man behind daddy from seeing her. With a wink to her and a quick nod from his little girl, he slid to the side, and she lobbed the snowball at the oncoming stranger, who of course, was no stranger at all.
It was utter surprise to the orderly, whose first inclination was to get out of the way. But in a split moment, he knew better, and stood his ground. In fact, he even subtly moved into the path of the oncoming slushball, allowing it to hit him square on the shin. Upon impact, he pantomimed a mortal injury and flopped onto the linoleum floor. Little Sophia was now gleefully lost in a cascade of belly laughs as the nurse rolled on the floor in dramatic mock agony. It was quite possibly the greatest gift of sound her father could have hoped for that day. Because that's what it meant to have a little girl with cancer. It meant looking for the smallest amounts of joy in the smallest moments.
It seems as though she had been sick with this gohram disease from the beginning, but it was actually her 6 month checkup. Still healing from the first loss, he was hit with a more terrifying thought of losing not only his wife, but his only solace.
Now, sitting in a hospital bed adorned with princess stickers, balloons, and numerous stuffed animals, you would have thought she was in her own bed at home. But considering everything she had been through, she probably knew this bed better than her own.
Collecting himself from the floor, the nurse set about to do the task he was set out to do. Sophia knew the routine better than he did, and already had her arm ready for Eddie the Orderly to do the blood draw for tests. Daddy silently marveled at her strength in the maw of this monstrous disease. She no longer wailed at the sight of the needles, and he rarely needed to console her after the test. She only got misty eyes when the needle was inserted, and he cursed at the cancer in his mind at the unfairness of it all for what must have been the millionth time.
Eddie took the bloodwork out of the room and said goodbye to the girl the staff called "the rainbow girl". When he had first arrived, he asked why. One of the secretaries explained it simply.
"It's a matter of perception. From a distance, she looks fine. She's as beautiful as a rainbow. But just because it looks wonderful from a distance, doesn;t mean that its so wonderful where the rainbow is. Life for those under the rainbow is a life with rain. Don't always think that because someone looks well means that they ARE well."
Back in Sophia's room, she started to drift back to sleep. Daddy brushed her hair from her face, and whispered a small I love you.
"I love you too, daddy. Tomorrow is Christmas, you know."
"I know, sweetheart, I know. I got you something. Would you like to have it now?"
"But daddy, I wanted to get YOU something" she pleaded, her voice full of alarm. They had been through it before, but he realized with a great suddenness how earnest she was in her conviction to give him something. And he knew that he couldn't pacify her with asking for a drawing again.
"Don't worry baby, you've got a gift for me" he lied. His mind raced with what to do about it. "I just forgot it at home. Just try to get some sleep." That would buy him some time until he could come up with something better.
With that, she seemed pacified. The last he needed to do is upset her more. She drifted off to sleep, and he soon after, leaning on her bed.
"Bruce, I need you take wake up" whispered a voice. It took him a moment to clear his mind from the tormented dreams he had to realize it was the doctor. With a sudden freeze of his blood at the connection of the voice and it's owner he sprang to awareness. Talking to doctors was always a moment of dread. They were the ones who constantly deliver the bad news, and his only outlet to hope for anything good.
"Bruce I need to talk to you in the hallway."
With a hollow in his stomach reverberating the call of the gong that brings with it the demons of dread and worry, he rotely followed the Dr. out. It was like your boss calling you into his office, or the long walk down to the principals office.
"Bruce, the test from a few days ago came back. The count is way down, and there aren't any further signs. Your daughter is in remission, and you can check out whenever you'd like today. But I expect to see you in my office next Friday for a follow-up."
Bruce laughed out loud as the doctor looked at him quizzically. Such a strange reaction for a parent to have.
Amidst wiping away tears of relief and joy, he answered.
"Dr, I have never been so happy to have been caught in a lie in my entire life." With that he turned and headed back into his daughters room, and waited to share the news with the only person that mattered.
Merry Christmas. And God bless us, everyone.
http://www.nationalchildrenscancersociety.com/
http://www.ccrf.org/
He was tired. God, he was tired. His shoulders slumped forward so much; it looked as though he was about to topple over. The girl at the till caught herself three times from running over to catch him from falling. He noticed out of the corner of his eye, and any other time, he would have been touched by her humanity. But at least for now, he didn't care.
Had it really been 4 years? It was a lifetime ago that he had lost his wife to complications of childbirth. That it had happened so close to the Holiday season made the burden upon his heart all the more heavy. There were incomplete memories of dreams they had shared together playing in his mind. They had looked forward to the blessing of a new baby during the Christmas season...full of spirit and mirth and the unknown quantity that settles into peoples hearts and makes them softer to those about them. Their child would be brought into the world at the height of the year when most people were at their most giving, at their most loving. Decorations and songs would herald their new arrival, intended or not. She had even giggled at his insistence to decorate the bassinet with garland trimming.
Her death had come hard. She had held her brand new baby girl and had coo-ed at her. Even breastfed her. She sent him home to prepare things, and by the time he came back the following day...he forced it out of his mind with the fierce determination that had gotten him through the past 4 years. And that's when he realized he could barely remember from then to now. Day upon day had past, but he could only remember snippets of a few. Suddenly he was aware that he had been standing there for quite some time, staring at a bunch of dolls without really looking, and lost in the past. If he were to allow himself to venture down that road he really would become lost, and the all-to-familiar ache would return to his chest.
"Ducks", he said to no one in particular. "She likes ducks." He gathered up the doll with a duck on it's shirt, paused, and then gathered up the other one anyway. What is money during a time such as this anyway? It was everything and nothing, he reasoned. It could find the best doctors in the world, but it couldn't find cures. At least...not fast enough.
"It's a lucky little girl you have", remarked the 20-something cashier. She was doing a poor job of hiding her interest in him, he noticed. It wasn't likely she was looking to date him; she seemed more interested in learning his story.
"I'm the lucky one" he barely whispered. He avoided making eye contact with her, for fear that she could see his heart in his stomach, and his soul in his throat. She finished ringing him out wordlessly, and he took his bag of dolls. Only when he was almost to the door did she call out a plaintive "Merry Christmas", as though it were almost a question. It was one that went unanswered. He had a little girl to get to.
The snowstorm was as good as advertised for once. There wasn't many people out on the roads, since most people were already home, and weren't driven by a fear that was colder than the one that whipped around him. It was only a few more miles, but luck wasn't on his side that night; every blasted light conspired against him. Each light made him grow more annoyed. He should be with his little girl, and each light was another delay keeping them apart. The stiff-cold steering wheel creaked under his clenched hands, and he became aware how cold his car was. Every squeak and groan from the hard plastic and metal seemed to amplify as he suddenly became more aware of his surroundings. He had been so lost in thought, that he hadn't realized he was shivering noticeably. In fact, he hadn't bothered to turn the heat on. "Not much point", he thought, "when I'm 2 blocks away."
The worn and weary man pulled into his regular parking spot and stepped out into the chilled night air. Relax, he reminded himself. Relax and be calm. She doesn't need to see your worry. With that in mind, he indulged in a luxury of a moment to himself. A moment to take in the winter air. It amazed him how still and quiet it was. The only sound he could hear was that of the street lamps buzzing, and the crunch of the softly packed snow crunching under his feet as he ambled to the doorway. Inspiration hit him, and he scooped up a handful of snow, and softly packed it. It was small enough to fit in his pocket, but then again, she was a small little girl.
Quickly making his way up the steps after stepping through the door, he turned the corner and silently sneaked into his daughter's room. Seeing her sleeping wasn't so much as a surprise as seeing her sleeping so peacefully. She was as still as the air he had drawn outside, and the cold fear within reached for his throat. Striding towards her bed, he stubbed his toe on the chair, and it was enough to wake her. She turned to him, and her eyes became alight. It was the sort of look that healed all his internal worry. "Daddy!"
"Shhh, not so loud", he winked. And with it, he pulled the snowball out of his pocket, handing it to her discretely. She giggled, and remarked how cold it was.
"What's going on in there?" boomed a deep baritone voice from behind them both. Daddy shielded her from seeing the intruder, and from the man behind daddy from seeing her. With a wink to her and a quick nod from his little girl, he slid to the side, and she lobbed the snowball at the oncoming stranger, who of course, was no stranger at all.
It was utter surprise to the orderly, whose first inclination was to get out of the way. But in a split moment, he knew better, and stood his ground. In fact, he even subtly moved into the path of the oncoming slushball, allowing it to hit him square on the shin. Upon impact, he pantomimed a mortal injury and flopped onto the linoleum floor. Little Sophia was now gleefully lost in a cascade of belly laughs as the nurse rolled on the floor in dramatic mock agony. It was quite possibly the greatest gift of sound her father could have hoped for that day. Because that's what it meant to have a little girl with cancer. It meant looking for the smallest amounts of joy in the smallest moments.
It seems as though she had been sick with this gohram disease from the beginning, but it was actually her 6 month checkup. Still healing from the first loss, he was hit with a more terrifying thought of losing not only his wife, but his only solace.
Now, sitting in a hospital bed adorned with princess stickers, balloons, and numerous stuffed animals, you would have thought she was in her own bed at home. But considering everything she had been through, she probably knew this bed better than her own.
Collecting himself from the floor, the nurse set about to do the task he was set out to do. Sophia knew the routine better than he did, and already had her arm ready for Eddie the Orderly to do the blood draw for tests. Daddy silently marveled at her strength in the maw of this monstrous disease. She no longer wailed at the sight of the needles, and he rarely needed to console her after the test. She only got misty eyes when the needle was inserted, and he cursed at the cancer in his mind at the unfairness of it all for what must have been the millionth time.
Eddie took the bloodwork out of the room and said goodbye to the girl the staff called "the rainbow girl". When he had first arrived, he asked why. One of the secretaries explained it simply.
"It's a matter of perception. From a distance, she looks fine. She's as beautiful as a rainbow. But just because it looks wonderful from a distance, doesn;t mean that its so wonderful where the rainbow is. Life for those under the rainbow is a life with rain. Don't always think that because someone looks well means that they ARE well."
Back in Sophia's room, she started to drift back to sleep. Daddy brushed her hair from her face, and whispered a small I love you.
"I love you too, daddy. Tomorrow is Christmas, you know."
"I know, sweetheart, I know. I got you something. Would you like to have it now?"
"But daddy, I wanted to get YOU something" she pleaded, her voice full of alarm. They had been through it before, but he realized with a great suddenness how earnest she was in her conviction to give him something. And he knew that he couldn't pacify her with asking for a drawing again.
"Don't worry baby, you've got a gift for me" he lied. His mind raced with what to do about it. "I just forgot it at home. Just try to get some sleep." That would buy him some time until he could come up with something better.
With that, she seemed pacified. The last he needed to do is upset her more. She drifted off to sleep, and he soon after, leaning on her bed.
"Bruce, I need you take wake up" whispered a voice. It took him a moment to clear his mind from the tormented dreams he had to realize it was the doctor. With a sudden freeze of his blood at the connection of the voice and it's owner he sprang to awareness. Talking to doctors was always a moment of dread. They were the ones who constantly deliver the bad news, and his only outlet to hope for anything good.
"Bruce I need to talk to you in the hallway."
With a hollow in his stomach reverberating the call of the gong that brings with it the demons of dread and worry, he rotely followed the Dr. out. It was like your boss calling you into his office, or the long walk down to the principals office.
"Bruce, the test from a few days ago came back. The count is way down, and there aren't any further signs. Your daughter is in remission, and you can check out whenever you'd like today. But I expect to see you in my office next Friday for a follow-up."
Bruce laughed out loud as the doctor looked at him quizzically. Such a strange reaction for a parent to have.
Amidst wiping away tears of relief and joy, he answered.
"Dr, I have never been so happy to have been caught in a lie in my entire life." With that he turned and headed back into his daughters room, and waited to share the news with the only person that mattered.
Merry Christmas. And God bless us, everyone.
http://www.nationalchildrenscancersociety.com/
http://www.ccrf.org/
Friday, December 23, 2005
A few weeks ago, I tried to put together the "Happy Holidays" letter to be sent out to family and friends, and typically those letters comprise what has happened over the past year.
I don't know if it was just my usual feeling of procrastination, or the sheer weight of the task ahead, but it just never came to fruition. There was simply too much that had happened over the past year to try to fit into a 2 page letter, and such a roller coaster of happy and sad events to share in what is typically supposed to be a letter of joy and good cheer during the holidays.
Admittedly, another part of me rejected doing it, because I didn't want to re-live the year through those memories. I was afraid that the grief and sadness would overwhelm the good that HAS happened. And to be honest, I am not entirely sure how to view this year myself.
I CAN say that I am more than relived to see it coming to a close. Good or bad, there has been a lot of upheaval over the year, and it is so much better to see in the rear view mirror instead of in the windshield.
So what HAS happened? 2005 for me will always be remembered as the year I lost my wife and best friend, Lydia. I suppose that isn't the best way to put it though. She didn't die, and she wasn't misplaced. We just couldn't find a way to make our marriage work after so many years and so many other trials. With due respect to all concerned, it was the greatest loss I have ever suffered, which is enough right there for me to pitch the year into a wastebasket and be done with it.
But that would purge so much more that has happened this year. So much more that I wouldn't want to part with.
Through work, I met one of those few people that understand you from the start and don't visablly roll their eyes in disgust. We became fast friends, and helped me come to the realization that life wasn't just the crappy things that happen to you. It's the good things that come about as well. (Have I written this before? I think I have.) The only flaw was that he was a guy. Beyond that, I can't think of a bad thing to say about my friend Joel.
In March, my sister-in-law Rachel reached out and provided me with more than just an extra hand around the house, or a soundboard to bounce my frustrations on. She gave me a reminder that I was family, and it wasn't about to change. She provided me a little bit of hope that things would in time be better, if I was willing to put the work into it.
In June or July, I forget when, there came word that they were shutting down our office in MN. Those who wanted to stay with (said company removed) would go to MI. those who didn't... could go on their merry way, either now or later. Soon I would be oput of a job, along with so many of my friends that had become a surrogate family. Poor Joel had come to MN because of (said company removed). With the loss of the office, he was back out looking for work.
And then my uncle Stan died. My father-in-law and good friend Kurt lost his mother.
And that was only the beginning of Kurt's loss. Only recently, he lost his sister.
I wish I could lobby to God upon his behalf and explain that at least for Kurt, there should be some balance. "You have the taken away part down pat, Lord Almighty, but what about the giveth part?" And God, being the being that he is, would either chastize me for critiquing his grand design, or he would explain to me that he gave them both for Kurt to enjoy as long as he could. And while that might all be true, I would say humbly, it wouldn't prevent me for lobbying anyway. And God being a God, he would have the perfect response to dis-assemble (DIS-ASSEBLE?! NOOOO DIS-ASSEMBLE!) my arguement, but instead he'd just say "touche'", because he's cool like that. And why is he cool like that? Because I made him in my own image. (I might have that backwards. )
2005 marked the great move from Minnesota to Vancouver WA. It marked saying farewell to so many great friends in Minneapolis, and moving further away from friends in Michigan. And while it hurt to leave them behind, it was balanced with the generosity and loving spirit of my sister Ginger. Time and again, if it wasnt for her, I wouldn't have made it as far as I have. She and I have grown so much closer because of these months together, and not in an Arkansas way like you might think. Having the chance to live together and hang out together, I can't imagine what it would mean to live a life without her around, and it makes me grieve for Kurt's loss all the more.
The last few months have been the brightest though. I have found a new sort of happiness with a new woman. Our time is limited when we are able to spend time together, but the time that we have is always special. She has an insight and a keen sense of humor that fills our time with giggles and merriment. That's right, merriment. It's like peppermint, but it's not in cane form.
This new year ahead of us has it's own set of challenges. The lease my sister and I share is up in the summer. When it is, she will return to Seattle. I am exploring options to pursue a career in writing, and hope that 2006 becomes a launching point for me. There's plenty of things to do in 2006. But given what we have been through in '05, we'll find our way.
Hey, look at that. I just wrote my Christmas Letter.
Happy Holidays, everyone.
P.S. I'm working on a post that I am going to get up on Christmas Day. Stop back and take a look, if you can.
I don't know if it was just my usual feeling of procrastination, or the sheer weight of the task ahead, but it just never came to fruition. There was simply too much that had happened over the past year to try to fit into a 2 page letter, and such a roller coaster of happy and sad events to share in what is typically supposed to be a letter of joy and good cheer during the holidays.
Admittedly, another part of me rejected doing it, because I didn't want to re-live the year through those memories. I was afraid that the grief and sadness would overwhelm the good that HAS happened. And to be honest, I am not entirely sure how to view this year myself.
I CAN say that I am more than relived to see it coming to a close. Good or bad, there has been a lot of upheaval over the year, and it is so much better to see in the rear view mirror instead of in the windshield.
So what HAS happened? 2005 for me will always be remembered as the year I lost my wife and best friend, Lydia. I suppose that isn't the best way to put it though. She didn't die, and she wasn't misplaced. We just couldn't find a way to make our marriage work after so many years and so many other trials. With due respect to all concerned, it was the greatest loss I have ever suffered, which is enough right there for me to pitch the year into a wastebasket and be done with it.
But that would purge so much more that has happened this year. So much more that I wouldn't want to part with.
Through work, I met one of those few people that understand you from the start and don't visablly roll their eyes in disgust. We became fast friends, and helped me come to the realization that life wasn't just the crappy things that happen to you. It's the good things that come about as well. (Have I written this before? I think I have.) The only flaw was that he was a guy. Beyond that, I can't think of a bad thing to say about my friend Joel.
In March, my sister-in-law Rachel reached out and provided me with more than just an extra hand around the house, or a soundboard to bounce my frustrations on. She gave me a reminder that I was family, and it wasn't about to change. She provided me a little bit of hope that things would in time be better, if I was willing to put the work into it.
In June or July, I forget when, there came word that they were shutting down our office in MN. Those who wanted to stay with (said company removed) would go to MI. those who didn't... could go on their merry way, either now or later. Soon I would be oput of a job, along with so many of my friends that had become a surrogate family. Poor Joel had come to MN because of (said company removed). With the loss of the office, he was back out looking for work.
And then my uncle Stan died. My father-in-law and good friend Kurt lost his mother.
And that was only the beginning of Kurt's loss. Only recently, he lost his sister.
I wish I could lobby to God upon his behalf and explain that at least for Kurt, there should be some balance. "You have the taken away part down pat, Lord Almighty, but what about the giveth part?" And God, being the being that he is, would either chastize me for critiquing his grand design, or he would explain to me that he gave them both for Kurt to enjoy as long as he could. And while that might all be true, I would say humbly, it wouldn't prevent me for lobbying anyway. And God being a God, he would have the perfect response to dis-assemble (DIS-ASSEBLE?! NOOOO DIS-ASSEMBLE!) my arguement, but instead he'd just say "touche'", because he's cool like that. And why is he cool like that? Because I made him in my own image. (I might have that backwards. )
2005 marked the great move from Minnesota to Vancouver WA. It marked saying farewell to so many great friends in Minneapolis, and moving further away from friends in Michigan. And while it hurt to leave them behind, it was balanced with the generosity and loving spirit of my sister Ginger. Time and again, if it wasnt for her, I wouldn't have made it as far as I have. She and I have grown so much closer because of these months together, and not in an Arkansas way like you might think. Having the chance to live together and hang out together, I can't imagine what it would mean to live a life without her around, and it makes me grieve for Kurt's loss all the more.
The last few months have been the brightest though. I have found a new sort of happiness with a new woman. Our time is limited when we are able to spend time together, but the time that we have is always special. She has an insight and a keen sense of humor that fills our time with giggles and merriment. That's right, merriment. It's like peppermint, but it's not in cane form.
This new year ahead of us has it's own set of challenges. The lease my sister and I share is up in the summer. When it is, she will return to Seattle. I am exploring options to pursue a career in writing, and hope that 2006 becomes a launching point for me. There's plenty of things to do in 2006. But given what we have been through in '05, we'll find our way.
Hey, look at that. I just wrote my Christmas Letter.
Happy Holidays, everyone.
P.S. I'm working on a post that I am going to get up on Christmas Day. Stop back and take a look, if you can.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Song of the Day:
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I'm so afraid to love you; more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
This day in history:
In 1791, the Bill of Rights went into effect following ratification by Virginia.
In 1890, Sioux Indian Chief Sitting Bull and 11 other tribe members were killed in Grand River, S.D., during a fracas with Indian police.
In 1916, the French defeated the Germans in the World War I battle of Verdun.
In 1938, groundbreaking ceremonies for the Jefferson Memorial took place in Washington, D.C.
In 1939, the motion picture "Gone With the Wind" had its world premiere in Atlanta. IT was so succesul, you could say it set the town on fire!
Ba-dum bump.
In 1944, American forces invaded Mindoro Island in the Philippines.
In 1944, a single-engine plane carrying bandleader Glenn Miller disappeared over the English Channel while en route to Paris.
In 1961, former Nazi official Adolf Eichmann was sentenced to death by an Israeli court.
In 1964, Canada's House of Commons approved dropping the "Red Ensign" flag in favor of a new design.
In 1965, two U.S. manned spacecraft, Gemini 6 and Gemini 7, maneuvered to within 10 feet of each other while in orbit.
Today's Birthdays:
Actor Don Johnson is 56.
But he's not gay...
Actor Adam Brody is 26.
Bonus song of the day:
Shakespeare Quote of the Day:
"Honest plain words best pierce the ear of grief"
Love's L L, Act v, Sc.2
Booty Beer
A local distillery produces their own beer. That's not a surprise here in Portland. Nor is it really all that shocking that some guy or guys with a sophomoric sense of humor decided to name their product "Booty Beer". It has all sorts of possibilities, sucha s "I'm gonna grab me some Booty" or "It's Booty-licious", or She's got a fine booty". Youcould build an entire ad campaign around NOT shaking your booty. Or a booty that you can be proud to show off.
The problem with it though, is that you are tying your product to a slang term for a body part whose main export product is crap. Or to put it even more blutly, you are admitting straight out that your product tastes like ASS. (We're not even going to get into the rim jokes here.)
Put your lips on a booty, and you're begging for a brown nose.
Time to move on. This has degenerated quickly.
A Westerns Fan
As many of you might know, I have always appreciated a good westerns movie, especially Eastwood westerns. Tombstone ahs it's place,and a meld of Sci-fi and westerns in a show like Firefly (with a pinch of Playboy with the character Inara) just makes for damn good TV. So why did they cancel it? I have no damn clue.
Anyway, a new western is out in theaters that I had wanted to see. Brokeback Mountain. Even better it has Heath Ledger, who has been in a number of films I've enjoyed in the past. Brokeback Mountain also stars Jake gyllenhall, who probably has been in some movies I know of, but can't think of right off the bat. The film has garnered alot of attention and buzz about it, and there is considerable buzz for it to win a trove of awards, which makes me think all the more that I should see this film.
the only hesitancy I have is that while Heath and Jake are cowboys, my understanding is that they're rough-riders. As in, it's not the horses they're riding.
Or maybe to put it in other terms...Jake smokem Heath pipe.
There's this bit o' trivia from imdb:
According to reports, Heath Ledger nearly broke co-star Jake Gyllenhaal's nose while filming a kissing scene.
This isn't completeley new territory for cowboys...there was a film that I think had Tom Berenger in it. Rustler's Rhapsody! Tom played a hero who had to prove his heterosexuality and they hinted at it. And there was also a comic book that was mentioned back in the old days in The Daily Update that talked about a cowboy who was openly gay. But I think for my knowledge, this is the first time it was taken on in a very serious manner in a film.
It's not something taht is going to keep me from seeing from the film. I just thought it was an interesting take on the western genre. Normally you see the hero/anti-hero head into the saloon and upstairs for "billiards".
I just wish Hollywood would quit mining my life for movie ideas.
(yes, I'm kidding. )
6 Years...
So 6 years ago today, mom passed away. Every year since, the family would mark the day with a dinner out, and reminicse about our memories of her. As mentioned before, i often at different points in my life wonder where I will be 5-10 years from that point. There's no way I would have thought I would be where I am now. I haven't heard from my step-parent since September, and I don't know if s/he's still alive or not. JT headed for Florida, and hasn't been seen since. I hope that I haven't lost that family connection. She was the common bond that held all of us together, and now that she's gone, we have split apart like pool balls on a table. Jt down there, me on the west coast, and Lydia in Minnesota. We all sat in that hospital room together, and witnessed her last breaths. We all prayed in a surreal fashion that god take her quickly, rather than make her suffer. And when her breaths became more shallow, we new it was close. There was only a brief moment a few hours before she left that her eyes popped open, and all of us rushed to fill that brief moment with love and assurance that we were there. You know, like how she had done for us allthe time before.
Mom wasn't the most logical woman, though she certainly was smart. Emotions were her deal, and she wouldn't have been able to hide them even if they could. I think in manny ways, I have that from her. Were she here, I don't know how life would ahve went, but I do know that she would have held us together. But she did the most with the time she had. She provided a great example to follow, and I hope that spirit she had will continue to live on.
Love, you Mom. Merry Christmas.
As I was telling someone last week, its been 6 years. Its been forever, and it was just yesterday.
caption contest:
-photo by Sonja Petersen
A few examples-"Christmas shopping developed a few Imperial entanglements."
"The one freaking time TK421 was at his post..."
"Do you have any weapons, syringes or Death star plans in your pockets that I should be aware of sir?"
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I'm so afraid to love you; more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
This day in history:
In 1791, the Bill of Rights went into effect following ratification by Virginia.
Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Amendment II
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
Amendment III
No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
Amendment V
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
Amendment VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.
Amendment VII
In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.
In 1890, Sioux Indian Chief Sitting Bull and 11 other tribe members were killed in Grand River, S.D., during a fracas with Indian police.
In 1916, the French defeated the Germans in the World War I battle of Verdun.
In 1938, groundbreaking ceremonies for the Jefferson Memorial took place in Washington, D.C.
In 1939, the motion picture "Gone With the Wind" had its world premiere in Atlanta. IT was so succesul, you could say it set the town on fire!
Ba-dum bump.
In 1944, American forces invaded Mindoro Island in the Philippines.
In 1944, a single-engine plane carrying bandleader Glenn Miller disappeared over the English Channel while en route to Paris.
In 1961, former Nazi official Adolf Eichmann was sentenced to death by an Israeli court.
In 1964, Canada's House of Commons approved dropping the "Red Ensign" flag in favor of a new design.
In 1965, two U.S. manned spacecraft, Gemini 6 and Gemini 7, maneuvered to within 10 feet of each other while in orbit.
Today's Birthdays:
Actor Don Johnson is 56.
But he's not gay...
Actor Adam Brody is 26.
Bonus song of the day:
Mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys
Don't let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks
Make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such
Mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys
They'll never stay home and they're always alone
Even with someone they love
Shakespeare Quote of the Day:
"Honest plain words best pierce the ear of grief"
Love's L L, Act v, Sc.2
Booty Beer
A local distillery produces their own beer. That's not a surprise here in Portland. Nor is it really all that shocking that some guy or guys with a sophomoric sense of humor decided to name their product "Booty Beer". It has all sorts of possibilities, sucha s "I'm gonna grab me some Booty" or "It's Booty-licious", or She's got a fine booty". Youcould build an entire ad campaign around NOT shaking your booty. Or a booty that you can be proud to show off.
The problem with it though, is that you are tying your product to a slang term for a body part whose main export product is crap. Or to put it even more blutly, you are admitting straight out that your product tastes like ASS. (We're not even going to get into the rim jokes here.)
Put your lips on a booty, and you're begging for a brown nose.
Time to move on. This has degenerated quickly.
A Westerns Fan
As many of you might know, I have always appreciated a good westerns movie, especially Eastwood westerns. Tombstone ahs it's place,and a meld of Sci-fi and westerns in a show like Firefly (with a pinch of Playboy with the character Inara) just makes for damn good TV. So why did they cancel it? I have no damn clue.
Anyway, a new western is out in theaters that I had wanted to see. Brokeback Mountain. Even better it has Heath Ledger, who has been in a number of films I've enjoyed in the past. Brokeback Mountain also stars Jake gyllenhall, who probably has been in some movies I know of, but can't think of right off the bat. The film has garnered alot of attention and buzz about it, and there is considerable buzz for it to win a trove of awards, which makes me think all the more that I should see this film.
the only hesitancy I have is that while Heath and Jake are cowboys, my understanding is that they're rough-riders. As in, it's not the horses they're riding.
Or maybe to put it in other terms...Jake smokem Heath pipe.
There's this bit o' trivia from imdb:
According to reports, Heath Ledger nearly broke co-star Jake Gyllenhaal's nose while filming a kissing scene.
This isn't completeley new territory for cowboys...there was a film that I think had Tom Berenger in it. Rustler's Rhapsody! Tom played a hero who had to prove his heterosexuality and they hinted at it. And there was also a comic book that was mentioned back in the old days in The Daily Update that talked about a cowboy who was openly gay. But I think for my knowledge, this is the first time it was taken on in a very serious manner in a film.
It's not something taht is going to keep me from seeing from the film. I just thought it was an interesting take on the western genre. Normally you see the hero/anti-hero head into the saloon and upstairs for "billiards".
I just wish Hollywood would quit mining my life for movie ideas.
(yes, I'm kidding. )
6 Years...
So 6 years ago today, mom passed away. Every year since, the family would mark the day with a dinner out, and reminicse about our memories of her. As mentioned before, i often at different points in my life wonder where I will be 5-10 years from that point. There's no way I would have thought I would be where I am now. I haven't heard from my step-parent since September, and I don't know if s/he's still alive or not. JT headed for Florida, and hasn't been seen since. I hope that I haven't lost that family connection. She was the common bond that held all of us together, and now that she's gone, we have split apart like pool balls on a table. Jt down there, me on the west coast, and Lydia in Minnesota. We all sat in that hospital room together, and witnessed her last breaths. We all prayed in a surreal fashion that god take her quickly, rather than make her suffer. And when her breaths became more shallow, we new it was close. There was only a brief moment a few hours before she left that her eyes popped open, and all of us rushed to fill that brief moment with love and assurance that we were there. You know, like how she had done for us allthe time before.
Mom wasn't the most logical woman, though she certainly was smart. Emotions were her deal, and she wouldn't have been able to hide them even if they could. I think in manny ways, I have that from her. Were she here, I don't know how life would ahve went, but I do know that she would have held us together. But she did the most with the time she had. She provided a great example to follow, and I hope that spirit she had will continue to live on.
Love, you Mom. Merry Christmas.
As I was telling someone last week, its been 6 years. Its been forever, and it was just yesterday.
caption contest:
-photo by Sonja Petersen
A few examples-"Christmas shopping developed a few Imperial entanglements."
"The one freaking time TK421 was at his post..."
"Do you have any weapons, syringes or Death star plans in your pockets that I should be aware of sir?"
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Song of the Day:
Charlie Brown Christmas
For yours truly it isn't REALLY the holiday season until they show the Charlie Brown Christmas show. We all sat down to watch it tonight, and it's never been better. I have it on tape, but there is something...almost sacreligious to watch it on a video. The best way I can put it is how I explained it to a friend; the official broadcast marks the offical start of Christmas. Any attempt to start Christmas by watching it on a video or delay it by watching ti later for me would be a false start to the holiday. No, it is the network broadcast, and only the network broadcast taht can launch the holidays for me. And if we were to get to get specific, it would be the moment Linus steps on stage and tells us all what Christmas is all about.
For various reasons over the past few years, I was unable to inspire the holiday sirit within myself. My mother passed away shortly close to Christmas about 6 years ago. Shortly before she passed, I went over to her home to watch the show with her. I hadn't seen her in some time, and it was shocking to see how far she had deteriorated. She slipped in and out of conciousness while she laid upon a hospital gurney. I turned on the show to watch it with her, and she woke up. She didn't know what time it was, thinking it was early morning. I let her know what time it was, and that I came to watch the show with her. She had already slipped out of conciousness again. I tucked her arm under her blanket to keep her warm, and left, knowing too well that Christmas wasn't EVER going to be the same again.
A week or so later, she passed.
The years after were bittersweet, as I knew it was up to me to fill the void that her spirit provided during the holiday. This is akin to re-filling the Pacific Ocean should it suddenly dry up.
More recent years found the hurt fade, only to be replaced with a different sort of mourning this past year. this year however, I have found a bit more of a seasonal spark within. There is less money than in previous years, but the sweet Christmases of my youth have been given new life. You want your own children to have the same warm memories of the holidays that you had. A full house full of family and friends,
presents coming out of every nook and cranny (of the house), and great food.
But the memories you have are yours. As much as you'd like to recreate those moments, it is up to you to create new moments for them, and your own sort of magic and atmosphere. Create memories for them, and in the process you get to create some for yourself. I don't know what this year will be fore the girls, but it has the possibility of so much.
Victoria's Secret Fashion Show notes:
-If you remember orevious years, they went for a comedy angle that fell completely flat. this year, ethey try to add their own Christmas flair to it.
The girls come out of a box.... so many jokes to go with.
Yellow is very rarely hot on a woman in lingerie.
Blue plaid, though....
whooo.....
I am a blonde guy.
Leggy girls is great, but leggy and skinny AND just plain emaciated....not as hot as you might think.
I like my women with a healthy vibe about them.... as the nerds of the internet might say, I'd hit it, but she needs a sammich.
Worse, it seems like my favorite Brazilians are not in the show.
I am definately a brunette guy. Grrrrowl.
There are some women here with very muscular legs. The type that could seperate your head from your neck. That could be bad in certain situations.
Wow....I am definately a "glow-in-the-dark-lights-framing-the-boobs-and-blinking-crotch" kinda guy.
But not a drugged-out-blonde-who-looks-like-a-guy" kinda guy.
Ooooh, a Russki thing! I am in the process of learning a bit a Russian.
BUt setting it to Drop it like it's Hot...not the best compilation.
Ha! one of the hottest girls lost a heel!
OH, the little girl look with the candy isn't all that great. The girls are fantastic, but the need to take them back to 8 years old...no.
Am I the only one who think that Tyra Banks' eyes are looking really sunken these days?
Though it's worth noting that she had more to her body than some of the girls that are modeling now.
And now you're subjecting me to Ricky Martin?!
Ricky Martin, Nick Lachey...have they been seen together?
I'm not saying that they're gay (though it wouldn't surprise me... and it'd appeal to a certain demographic that is), but I am just saying a 30 something guy with very little musical talent hanging around a bunnch of women...
just sounds like they'd have alot to talk about is all.
"Going to sexy toys next" was what one director said...heh.
"Memoirs of a Geisha"...the story of my life.
Didn't I see this when I saw "Mulan"?
Poor poor Gary Sinise...stuck going to CBS TV.
Poor POOR Gary Sinise.
Soldiers! Stand at attention!
Something is running up my flagpole, and I salute!
If toy soldiers were like that you can bet that I'd have a collection.
You know what's good in lingerie this year? Capes! Capes and huge wings that keep women from makng it through the door! THey'll never leave the bedroom!
Look at all those movie stars
They're all so beautiful and clean
When the housemaids scrub the floors
They get the spaces in between
I wanna live a life like that
I wanna be just like a king
Take my picture by the pool
Cause I'm the next big thing!
Beverly Hills - That's where I want to be! (Gimme Gimme)
Living in Beverly Hills...
Beverly Hills - Rolling like a celebrity! (Gimme Gimme)
Living in Beverly Hills...
Charlie Brown Christmas
For yours truly it isn't REALLY the holiday season until they show the Charlie Brown Christmas show. We all sat down to watch it tonight, and it's never been better. I have it on tape, but there is something...almost sacreligious to watch it on a video. The best way I can put it is how I explained it to a friend; the official broadcast marks the offical start of Christmas. Any attempt to start Christmas by watching it on a video or delay it by watching ti later for me would be a false start to the holiday. No, it is the network broadcast, and only the network broadcast taht can launch the holidays for me. And if we were to get to get specific, it would be the moment Linus steps on stage and tells us all what Christmas is all about.
For various reasons over the past few years, I was unable to inspire the holiday sirit within myself. My mother passed away shortly close to Christmas about 6 years ago. Shortly before she passed, I went over to her home to watch the show with her. I hadn't seen her in some time, and it was shocking to see how far she had deteriorated. She slipped in and out of conciousness while she laid upon a hospital gurney. I turned on the show to watch it with her, and she woke up. She didn't know what time it was, thinking it was early morning. I let her know what time it was, and that I came to watch the show with her. She had already slipped out of conciousness again. I tucked her arm under her blanket to keep her warm, and left, knowing too well that Christmas wasn't EVER going to be the same again.
A week or so later, she passed.
The years after were bittersweet, as I knew it was up to me to fill the void that her spirit provided during the holiday. This is akin to re-filling the Pacific Ocean should it suddenly dry up.
More recent years found the hurt fade, only to be replaced with a different sort of mourning this past year. this year however, I have found a bit more of a seasonal spark within. There is less money than in previous years, but the sweet Christmases of my youth have been given new life. You want your own children to have the same warm memories of the holidays that you had. A full house full of family and friends,
presents coming out of every nook and cranny (of the house), and great food.
But the memories you have are yours. As much as you'd like to recreate those moments, it is up to you to create new moments for them, and your own sort of magic and atmosphere. Create memories for them, and in the process you get to create some for yourself. I don't know what this year will be fore the girls, but it has the possibility of so much.
Victoria's Secret Fashion Show notes:
-If you remember orevious years, they went for a comedy angle that fell completely flat. this year, ethey try to add their own Christmas flair to it.
The girls come out of a box.... so many jokes to go with.
Yellow is very rarely hot on a woman in lingerie.
Blue plaid, though....
whooo.....
I am a blonde guy.
Leggy girls is great, but leggy and skinny AND just plain emaciated....not as hot as you might think.
I like my women with a healthy vibe about them.... as the nerds of the internet might say, I'd hit it, but she needs a sammich.
Worse, it seems like my favorite Brazilians are not in the show.
I am definately a brunette guy. Grrrrowl.
There are some women here with very muscular legs. The type that could seperate your head from your neck. That could be bad in certain situations.
Wow....I am definately a "glow-in-the-dark-lights-framing-the-boobs-and-blinking-crotch" kinda guy.
But not a drugged-out-blonde-who-looks-like-a-guy" kinda guy.
Ooooh, a Russki thing! I am in the process of learning a bit a Russian.
BUt setting it to Drop it like it's Hot...not the best compilation.
Ha! one of the hottest girls lost a heel!
OH, the little girl look with the candy isn't all that great. The girls are fantastic, but the need to take them back to 8 years old...no.
Am I the only one who think that Tyra Banks' eyes are looking really sunken these days?
Though it's worth noting that she had more to her body than some of the girls that are modeling now.
And now you're subjecting me to Ricky Martin?!
Ricky Martin, Nick Lachey...have they been seen together?
I'm not saying that they're gay (though it wouldn't surprise me... and it'd appeal to a certain demographic that is), but I am just saying a 30 something guy with very little musical talent hanging around a bunnch of women...
just sounds like they'd have alot to talk about is all.
"Going to sexy toys next" was what one director said...heh.
"Memoirs of a Geisha"...the story of my life.
Didn't I see this when I saw "Mulan"?
Poor poor Gary Sinise...stuck going to CBS TV.
Poor POOR Gary Sinise.
Soldiers! Stand at attention!
Something is running up my flagpole, and I salute!
If toy soldiers were like that you can bet that I'd have a collection.
You know what's good in lingerie this year? Capes! Capes and huge wings that keep women from makng it through the door! THey'll never leave the bedroom!
