The Daily Update

Note: this is being posted at the urging of a very persistant friend...so there you go.

What follows is a description of a Pacific Northwest Company outing aboard the Sternwheeler Rose, a paddleboat found in Portland in the Willamette River. Names have not been changed to protect anyone, because the only person you are likely to know is me.

This particular office or region won Region of the year, which meant that my Company was gonna put down some money to celebrate. And liquor. And bitches! Ok, maybe not bitches.

“We trimmed many hedges, and raped the horses, and rode off on the women!”

Are Amigos falling out of the sky?! (Thump)

Having just arrived a week or so ago, I was unsure of just how much Matt these people could handle. I wanted to be myself at all times, but as you might guess, not everyone can handle all of Matt all at once. Hell, even I can’t. (Takes two hands.)

SO I held back, and remained respectful, but it also meant that I was holding back. I wasn’t all that outgoing, because that is something that is a bit of an issue for me. In a new environment, I have a hard time starting conversations, or making new friends. (Dating is gonna be HELL for me. ) So I sat on the bus that took us to the paddleboat keeping to myself, and taking in the scenery.

Another thing should be mentioned at this point. Prior to my hiring, there was only 1 other guy in the department. And he was only hired 2 weeks before I. And I’m not sure if he’s straight or not. However, before you go getting the idea that it’s a world of poo-nannie waiting for me to dive in, 90% of the women here are married, older, and frumpy. The only possible cute girls I have seen have been temps doing filing. And I get the impression that we don’t fraternize with the TEMPS. They’re not ADP people, after all.

And it’s not even that I am looking for that, even though I am if that makes sense. It’d be nice to have someone who would show interest in me, but I wouldn’t even know what to do with it were it to happen. I have eyes, and can appreciate a pretty girl and her attention. But much as I would like to, I have no time or place for that in my life right now. IF that sounds to you like justification, or me trying to convince myself of it, you’re probably at least partially right.

So even though I am not looking for girls, or to make any advances should I find one, I am always keeping an eye open for pretty girls, if that makes any sense. Just as scenery at this point. Nothing to be had during the entire bus ride. We get out and get aboard the paddleboat. 2 drink tickets per person. I have no idea what to drink, since I am not a big alcohol drinker. So I order a scotch. Neat.

“When I want water, I drink water. When I want scotch, I drink scotch!”

1st sip: “Wow, that’s some nasty stuff.”

2nd sip a half hour later: “Wow, that’s nasty stuff. But not as bad the second time around.”

I finished it, but it was the only drink I had the entire voyage, a trip that lasted 2-2.5 hours. Nurse my drink? Please. I’ve got a PHD in nursing drinks.

Ok, even I didn’t find that one funny.

So I sit down and start talking to the only other guy there and to some of the other mid-to-older aged women there. Talk is about work, which I don’t know anything about, local haunts, which I know nothing about, and the challenges of middle-aged women and ex-husbands, which I know nothing about. So I just sit and keep my mouth shut,a nd then step out onto the front open area on the boat, and take in the scenery. And I start to appreciate the moment for what it is; my first moment to rest without worrying about what needs to be done, what net challenge is around the bend. I can for a small moment in time, just appreciate this new place that I have arrived in. I don’t bother to reflect on what it took to get out here, because I don’t want to fall into the trap of “OK, what’s next” right now. I talk with Mike a bit about his future in radiology, and my hopeful future of going back to school for some writing classes or something. And then it’s time to eat!

I head downstairs, and collect my chicken fajitas and fruit, and come back upstairs. The mother hens invite me to join them, which I do graciously, and they razz me a bit about the amount of food I have taken. But considering the office I came from, I explained you had to grab what you could when you could, for fear that it would be nothing but crumbs by the time you had a chance to eat. Having nearly finished the fajitas, I am sampling some of the fruit I have collected.

One of the mother hens had been the beneficiary of a fellow co-worker’s generoisity…the mother hen had received a free weekend in Victoria BC because the co-worker couldn’t use it. I expressed my surprise at sugh great generosity, and the cautioned me, since I didn’t know what the mother hen had to do to earn it. I of course, couldn’t leave it alone, so I test the waters by stating that the fajitas go so well with the tongue I am biting.

The Mother Hen sitting next to me laughs and said, “Oh good. And I thought with men in the call center, we’d have to clean up our act.”

Thankfully I was able to spit out the grape in my mouth before I choked on it. “That’s funny. Matt never chokes on grapes at home.”

(Airplane humor for those paying attention.)

This seemed to be an appropriate time to mention my reputation, and that of “The Gutter”. I just may well fit in here after all.

Cause I’m long. And I’m strong. And I’m down to get the friction on!

Yet at some point, the conversation turns to day spas and mink coats, and bitchy girlfriends…all stuff I don’t have a lot of experience in. So I wonder off to enjoy some of the night air again, and take in the sunset and beautiful views of the river and shoreline and downtown skyline. While I am out there, I am pulled into a conversation to be introduced to a fairly cute girl in her late 20’s. Well hey! This evening just go a bonus! They introduce her as Jackie, and she asks if I want to be part of this special project to arrange non-adp sanctioned get-togethers once a week. Sure! A chance for me to get to know the town, get to know my co-workers, find a way to contribute besides just training, look like a team player…sounds great! But the way it came out was “Would you like to be part of a special project after work?”

And before I could answer, a co-worker has to jump in to clarify that she isn’t asking me out.

She kiddingly asks if I want to sleep with her.

Me: “How come this boat is taking so long to get back to the dock?”

We get to talking, and she’s obviously drunk, working on her 2nd long island iced tea, and having ahd nothing to eat. She’s touching me on the arm and on my hip and on my back. I’ve already determined that I’m not going to do anything, but use it as a chance to get some practice in, for lack of a better description. Try to see if I can figure out what sort of vibe she’s giving off, work on just carrying off small talk, etc. there are some furtive meeting of eyes, some awkward pauses, etc. And for the life of me, I can’t figure out what sort of message she’s giving me. Another girl comes over and they introduce me to her. I can’t remember her name, so I’ll call her Tammy for the moment. She’s ok, but nothing special.

She asks if I am in sales, and I explain no. She rolls her eyes at some comment I made which I can’t remember, and says “men.”

Grr. I don’t like being stereotyped with all other guys, but it’s not like I’m not guilty of it myself with women. As all of us talk, more and more of my story comes out that I just moved here, I have kids, etc…

And throughout the process, it’s as though they’ve learned I have leperosy or some such thing. Whatever interest I was picking up before is fading fast. I am slowly coming to the realization that I appeal more to potential Mother-in-law’s than I do to their daughters.

And I pull up quick to retrieve it.

Still, I am intruiged about the idea of working on this special project. Sound s like fun. And I could always do a review of said bars, beer, etc. on the Update. So I ask Jackie to tell me more about this special project, and where she ahd in mind to go.

Jackie: Oh, don’t think like that.

(Oh, you witch!)

Matt: I wasn’t thinking like that. I was just wondering what sort of place you ahd in mind, like a bar, or resteraunt..

But at this point, anything I say sounds like desperate covering of my tracks. And she’s drunk, so I ask why I am wasting my time any longer. At which point, I head back in to take a sit inside the boat and just hang out. Tammy comes back in, and looks at me, and says “Why are you always so nervous?”

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

Yeah, just what I need; another complex to spend the next 3 months figuring out in my noggin. Thanks for THAT!

Never mind the fact it’s my first social event as a single person since say….I was 18 years old!

So in some ways, it could be classified as a complete disaster. But I had fun; it was a good if mellow time. I was able to get some practice in on some rather basic or rudimentary skills I should have had well before this point for dating. And despite what other DRUNK people might think, I didn’t have anything to feel badly about. I was myself at all times, even if it was a more subdued version of myself.

I’ll leave it to you if subdued can ever be used as an adjective to describe the full version of Me.

You gotta remember. I’m not the only one in training right now. They’re all in Matt training. They’re all in the LEARN mode of M.A.T.T.

Oh, and another thing. If my having kids intimidates you, you have NO shot with me. I refuse to ever consider the kids as “baggage”, keeping me from having a relationship. It’s their baggage that they can’t handle it. I won’t ever allow myself to travel down some sort of twisted road that would make me resent my own kids.

I’m doin’ the best I ever did.

I’m doin’ the best that I can.

I’m don’ the best that I ever did.

NOW GO AWAY!

Godsmack-“Whatever”