Friday, November 05, 2004
Song Quote of the Day:
When I was young, my mother was diagnosed with clinical depression. It was bad enough that she was often hospitalized for it. And as a kid, I never really understood that. Part of me was angry with her for it, because we couldn't spend the time we normally would togeather. Instead, our time was spent in some sort of visitors area, and only for a few hours. Often, there were other mentally ill people around, who were much worse off than Mom was. Part of me wondered why she just couldn't be happy, and why I couldn't help her. I'd make cards and pictures and tell her I loved her, but it never made any difference from what I could tell. She was still depressed, and she was still in the hospital for weeks to months at a time.
Had I known better, I would have been able to understand that because of her depression, she wasn't able to take care of herself, much less anyone else. Especially a child. But I didn't know better. I was just a kid who wanted his Mommy.
And now I DO understand. I understand better than I thought I could have. I've been battling my own depression for a little while now, and it's hard to force yourself onto your feet, and make a peanut butter sandwich for the angelic face in front of you, who is asking so sweetly that it breaks your heart. Instead, it's so tempting to simply shut the door and stay in bed, and let your own thoughts produce demons from the shadows to torment your mind. Simply baking a frozen pizza isn't supposed to be such a daunting task.
People ask how you are doing, and you find it easier to say that you are doing fine, because noone wants to know the real truth. And you don't want to be a drain on their lives. You lie to you boss, because to tell her how you are really feeling is to invite her to look for reasons to fire you, and dump you out into a job market that offers less sustinence than a 30 year old bone.
Life, like the food you eat, has lost it's flavor. It seems as though everything has lost it's brilliance, like all of the color has been washed out. Thihgs that brought you joy in the past no longer do. Football, for example. Or looking at pretty women. (Well, it's still fun. But, it's tempered a bit.)
I haven't completely lost my mind...
I'm handling as best I can, and I am working on finding some help for it. I don't know if it is something biological where it doesn't manifest until the late 20's, or maybe it was somethng that I was always dealing with,and it just never got this bad until now. But it is partly why my writing hasn't been as often lately. I apologize.
ABRUPT SUBJECT CHANGE
I've been recently looking for some inspiration in my life, and think I may have found it where many others before me have. It's hardly an original idea, but it's interesting to me, SO BACK OFF!
Sorry. A little edgy these days too.
Anyway, I was looking at getting into motorcycle riding. I've talked with a few riders, but am ashamed to say that I have yet to talk to my Uncle Paul, who really should have been one of the first people I SHOULD have talked to. (Closed circuit to Dad: please call me as soon as you can with Paul's #, so that I can do this. )
Having been nothing but a passenger on a motorcycle, it's a little intimidating, but you ahve to start somewhere. I also stopped up at the Harley Davidson dealer in my area, and got a feel for what I was getting into. I took a look at what they had, and I think the best fit for me and what I am looking to do is a Dyna Glide Low Rider. See attached picture.
But then, I'm not naive enough to think that I can just start off on such a beautiful machine right away, having nevr ridden before. So I'm doing some research on what is a good bike to start with, build up some experience, and some time in the future, I'll step up to the one above. And then maybe I can combine my interestes into the picture below....
A man has to have dreams...
I'm not going to do it any time soon, as I have the move to Vancouver, WA to think of. But maybe once I get out there, there will be time to devote to it. The thought of taking off down the California coast, or going and visiting the parents in Tacoma on a 2-3 hour drive is quite appealing, I must say.
Certain parts look daunting...learning how to shift gears, making sure I brake when I brake,a nd not shift gears instead....a few other things.
But then, there are alot of people riding now that aren't much smarter than myself, so I think there is hope for me.
And no, I don't want a crotch rocket. Just a cruiser, to tool up and down the coastline. Leave the clouds of depression behind.
To me there's lots more broken,
Than anyone can really see.
Why the angels turn their backs on some;
It's a mystery to me.
All at once I hear your voice,
And time just slips away.
Nothing they can say can hold me here.
Take me where I only feel,
The wind across my face.
Let me know there's some place left for me.
Waiting there for me...
When I was young, my mother was diagnosed with clinical depression. It was bad enough that she was often hospitalized for it. And as a kid, I never really understood that. Part of me was angry with her for it, because we couldn't spend the time we normally would togeather. Instead, our time was spent in some sort of visitors area, and only for a few hours. Often, there were other mentally ill people around, who were much worse off than Mom was. Part of me wondered why she just couldn't be happy, and why I couldn't help her. I'd make cards and pictures and tell her I loved her, but it never made any difference from what I could tell. She was still depressed, and she was still in the hospital for weeks to months at a time.
Had I known better, I would have been able to understand that because of her depression, she wasn't able to take care of herself, much less anyone else. Especially a child. But I didn't know better. I was just a kid who wanted his Mommy.
And now I DO understand. I understand better than I thought I could have. I've been battling my own depression for a little while now, and it's hard to force yourself onto your feet, and make a peanut butter sandwich for the angelic face in front of you, who is asking so sweetly that it breaks your heart. Instead, it's so tempting to simply shut the door and stay in bed, and let your own thoughts produce demons from the shadows to torment your mind. Simply baking a frozen pizza isn't supposed to be such a daunting task.
People ask how you are doing, and you find it easier to say that you are doing fine, because noone wants to know the real truth. And you don't want to be a drain on their lives. You lie to you boss, because to tell her how you are really feeling is to invite her to look for reasons to fire you, and dump you out into a job market that offers less sustinence than a 30 year old bone.
Life, like the food you eat, has lost it's flavor. It seems as though everything has lost it's brilliance, like all of the color has been washed out. Thihgs that brought you joy in the past no longer do. Football, for example. Or looking at pretty women. (Well, it's still fun. But, it's tempered a bit.)
I haven't completely lost my mind...
I'm handling as best I can, and I am working on finding some help for it. I don't know if it is something biological where it doesn't manifest until the late 20's, or maybe it was somethng that I was always dealing with,and it just never got this bad until now. But it is partly why my writing hasn't been as often lately. I apologize.
ABRUPT SUBJECT CHANGE
I've been recently looking for some inspiration in my life, and think I may have found it where many others before me have. It's hardly an original idea, but it's interesting to me, SO BACK OFF!
Sorry. A little edgy these days too.
Anyway, I was looking at getting into motorcycle riding. I've talked with a few riders, but am ashamed to say that I have yet to talk to my Uncle Paul, who really should have been one of the first people I SHOULD have talked to. (Closed circuit to Dad: please call me as soon as you can with Paul's #, so that I can do this. )
Having been nothing but a passenger on a motorcycle, it's a little intimidating, but you ahve to start somewhere. I also stopped up at the Harley Davidson dealer in my area, and got a feel for what I was getting into. I took a look at what they had, and I think the best fit for me and what I am looking to do is a Dyna Glide Low Rider. See attached picture.
But then, I'm not naive enough to think that I can just start off on such a beautiful machine right away, having nevr ridden before. So I'm doing some research on what is a good bike to start with, build up some experience, and some time in the future, I'll step up to the one above. And then maybe I can combine my interestes into the picture below....
A man has to have dreams...
I'm not going to do it any time soon, as I have the move to Vancouver, WA to think of. But maybe once I get out there, there will be time to devote to it. The thought of taking off down the California coast, or going and visiting the parents in Tacoma on a 2-3 hour drive is quite appealing, I must say.
Certain parts look daunting...learning how to shift gears, making sure I brake when I brake,a nd not shift gears instead....a few other things.
But then, there are alot of people riding now that aren't much smarter than myself, so I think there is hope for me.
And no, I don't want a crotch rocket. Just a cruiser, to tool up and down the coastline. Leave the clouds of depression behind.
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