The Daily Update

I'm heartbroken and weary. I've been feeling drained thanks to the previous few days, and the items of which I've written, and apparently someone has decided to kick me when I down.

I got home last night to find that the wife accidentally sent the checkbook through the washer, since I stupidly left it in my pants pocket. Well, no problem! We'll just order up some new checks on that thar COM-poot'r. So I hit the power button. Click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click goes the hard drive.

Uh -oh.

Now....I have 2 hard drives in my system. One is a mealy little 4 or 8 gig drive that came with it orignally. A few years ago, I went out and purchased a 40 gig drive, and had a friend help me install it onto the system. It sat side by side the smaller drive. Apparently the system is booting off of the smaller drive, but I seem to remember checking free space,and finding that I had plenty of it, implying that the C: drive was the newer drive.

My ultimate fear is that all of the pictures are lost forever. All of the sorting, and filing and naming all for nought. Pictures of the two younger girls as babies, or birthdays or whatever. All gone, unless they're safely tucked away on the larger hard drive. It won't boot up in safe mode....it just keeps asking for me to insert a bootable media into the appropriate drive. Without a computer at home, it's going to be damn near impossible to do updates, so I apologize to my readers. If and when I'm able to get it back up and going....we'll be right back on track.

Oh, and that wasn't even the end of the day.

The living room was covered in popcorn and cheerios bits, since Anna decided she needed a snack. So I decided to vacuum. Unbeknownest to me, she had taken down my necklace (a silver cross that contained a small amount of my mother's ashes) and put it under the couch. When the vacuum passwed over the necklace part, it sucked it up, and broke the necklace itself. Sigh.

And then.....and THEN!!! It turns out that the power button on the TV is broken. Add that to the new tires I need to purchase for the van, and the strife at work, and at the synogogue....
I keep hearing the echo of my elders when I think to myself "We just can't have nice things."

I know. I know. Things could be worse. We still have our health, and we have each other. But I think I could really use a break, and I think it's time to generate some good karma. Or get drunk. One of the two.

"The Passion of the Christ" premiered yesterday, for those few who only read my website, and shun the rest of the media available to you (which you should, and I thank you for, if you do). I haven't seen it yet, and have no major desire to, other than to see what all the hubub is about. There is a small trace of guilt aht I SHOULD see it, as some sort of "Good Christian" obligation, but other than that, I figured I would wait until they put it on TV, or I could rent it. We are a budget family, and the little money we set aside for movie-going for the year is more likely to be spent on Brother Bear II, or some such Disney flick.

However, the movie couldn't leave ME alone. It already has had an affect on my life, and I'm not too crazy about it. You see, some Religious Fanatic/Zealot took exception to the role (however large or small) the Jewish Community played at the time of Jesus of Nazareth's cruxifiction. The bastard, of course, neglected to remember that Jesus himself was a Jew. So what is a bigot left to do some 2000 years later, to prove his loylaty? That's right. Send threats to a local synogogue. Which happens to be attended by children. 3 of which are mine.

Hey, if Judaism isn't for you, that's fine. It isn't even for me. However, I fail to see how killing, or threatening to kill men, women and children congregating at a Synogogue will right whatever percieved wrongs this nutjob has felt. I mean, CHILDREN! They barely have the concept of GOD, much less how Jesus does or doesn't fit into the entire picture.

And more importantly, MY CHILDREN. And don't tell me that the writer wasn't threatening my kids,because he was. They are ther every Wednesday night. And my wife and oldest attended every Saturday morning. Heck, the wife teaches there. She's even more of a target than the regular members!

Fucking coward. I'm sorry for the profanity, but in extreme cases, I'm not against using it. And when you make even an indirect threat towards my kids, I'm bound to get a little agitated. Step on out and make yourself known. You wanna harm my kids? Go through me first. But don't be a p*ssy about it and hide in your house behind a letter. If you're a person of your convictions, you'd say whatever crap you put to paper out loud in front of others.

Course, I'm not saying I want him to make good on his threats. I'm just saying that if you have a problem with Jewish people, own your words. Stand up and spout your crap, so we know who you are, and so we can dismiss anything else you might have to say.

If re-incarnation is a real thing, I hope whomever sent that threat in comes back as a carpet. In a house full of Saint Bernards. And they all have itchy butts. And have eaten chocolate recently.

I've never been one for religous films, though we watch The Ten Commandments every year, just like almost everyone else. ANd while it's not a religious film in and of itself, I'm a huge proponent of showing "Schindler's List" in the same manner. Once a year, in it's entirety, and make sure that kids know and remember what happened. I watch that film,and I have read stories of Jews,adn Gypsies, and others who had to live through that, and I hear stories of children and babies dying. I look at my own children, and know that if it had been a different time and a different place... I can't even think of it. So while I am Christian, I am proud to raise my own as Jewish. Because of what their heritage is, and who they are. And a sense of obligation to love them all the more, because of the parents who weren't able to then.

Quizno's:

Had a sub for lunch. (Santa Fe Chicken.) Very good food, but very expensive. $8.51 for a sandwich. That's gonna be a tough one to explain to the wife. All that for just 1 sandwich, to feed just me. I mean, that's enough to feed 3 kids at McDonalds.

Oh well. They have an absurd marketing campaign involving some post-road kill hamsters singing the praises of their sandwiches. And "they've got a pepper bar". (They do. I saw it. ) Apparently it works, because I bought a sub.

But it's not the first time I've seen them. They're the result of a brainchild of www.rathergood.com. It's a funny site that is a bit childish, but then so is high school. And if that makes sense to you, stop watching Ferris Bueller, and get off the couch, and go do something with the finite time that you ahve on this planet. WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO WITH YOUR LIFE?!
I wanna rock.

Ah, Twisted Sister.

Speaking of which....

I got a call from my own sister yesterday. She'll be visiting later in March, and be able to spend some time with the nieces she's never seen, specifically Anna and Bailey. I haven't seen her in about 4 years, which is much too long.

Anyway, her call was exactly what I needed to finish off a day that started out badly, but got better and better as the day wore on. Thanks for calling, Sis. You really made my day.

And a shout out to her friend Jenna, if she happens to read this.

wait a minute....Jenna? Jenna.....Jameson? (Note, don't Google Image that name at work. )

Maybe my sister should bring her friend Jenna with her. We've got enough room (in my bed) for her to stay, as well.

In sports, the Twins are already at training camp, which means baseball is around the corner. They think that they'll have an offense that will be better than last years,a dn that will make up for any pitching question marks they might have. Well, that's great, but it didn't help out just about every other team that's gone with that thinking. Like Texas, for example.

Don't get me wrong, though. I have the utmost faith in the front office to get it done. They've given us 2 Division championships in a row, and have stayed steady at times when others were begging for some drastic change.

Before I go, I'd like to point out I've added a few new links. One was to "Rathergood", and I would highly suggest checking out the kittens singing on the far left, with Gay Bar and Punk being the best.

I'd also suggest the Happy Tree Friends, though it might take an episode or two to get de-sensitized to the violence before you can find them funny. Once you do though, it's some pretty good sophomoric humor.

Let's talk about guilty pleasures for a moment.

No, we're not talking about those special moments alone. Guilty pleasures when it comes to watching TV, or music, or other types of media. The things that you enjoy, that while are rather harmlesss in and of themselves, you'd rathe not admit o others, for fear of showing your bad taste.

Still not talking about "special moments alone".

When it comes to TV, most pople usually say something like Professional Wrestling, or Baywatch, or something similar. And mine isn't much different. I like "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy". The most intruiging part of the show is the banter between the hopelessly tragic subject and his 5 mentors, as they attempt to train them on the arts of fashion sense, design, cooking, relationships, and hygiene. Sometimes they succeed, and sometimes they are....open to criticism. (I'm not using an old tie as a belt, unless I'm the sole survivor of a failed airplane water landing, forced to live off of my wits on a remote island in the south Pacific.) But they (being the members of the show) have different and unique ideas on various topics, and in most cases, are able to make a dramatic positive impact on their subjects.

What people are really waiting to see is the horrified homophobe who rejects any of their suggestions, and has underlying suspicions about their motives. Show the man who refuses to yield! Get a Klan member in there all on his own,and see how HE fares.

Not that I'd want to subject them to that kind of treatment, mind you. They seem really personable, and witty. I imagine I could have some fun conversations with them, if not over a beer, then a wine spritzer. (There I go, contributing to the stereotype again.)

While accepted for the most part across the country, I think that one of the reasons some people object to it, is that they think it's some sort of recuiting video. As if they'll become homosexual just by watching the show. "Oh no! He's right! Pleated pants make people look fat! We share the same viewpoint on the dynamics of slacks! I MUST be gay! I swear, I was brainwashed!"

Or maybe they're just tired of reality shows on TV. Now THAT would be something I could understand. For instance, "The Little-est Groom". Pull the plug on that idea, will you? Thank you.






But why a picture here for no reason at all?

Because it's Charlize Theron, and I can. She's one of the All-time Daily Update favorites, and it's nice to remember there's good things in the world.

And because I can.

I had thought about Ashley Judd, but she cut her hair very short and straight in the new movie Twisted, and it's not as becoming on her as it is on others. Few women can successfully pull off the short straight hair look as far as I am concerned. (Daily Update readers include at least 1 such example. )


And then there's THIS story..... if you thought it was hard before to get the spouse to aquiesce, look out NOW my friends. Then again, the ultimate irony is that its a French Study. (get it? french? never mind. ) And it's not as though scientists haven't proved themselves wrong before.

Still...wouldn't it be nice to be one of the test subjects? Instead of a member of the control group for once, I mean.

Is that a complaint?!

No! No, I did enough of that yesterday. As luck would ahve it, my day actually wasn't so bad today. Turns out I have a competant manager who was able to relieve much of the stress without my knowing it until I made it into work today.

The co-worker still exists as a thorn, but it's not as prominent as it was before.

More tomorrow. Or tonight. We'll see.

Empty. Totally bereft. Nothing left. You know that sucking noise you hear when a kid sucks on a straw for an empty cup? yeah, that's me.

Empty of what? Patience. Emotion. Zest for work. A fellow co-worker killed the zest for work on Monday. No emotion to it afterwards, either. Just....criticism on how I'm doing my job, delivered like a bullet to the forehead, execution-style.

I'm dreading heading into the office tomorrow. Hate the idea. However, with the amount of work to do...it's unavoidable. It's like heading into the dentists for a root canal. Or, at least I imagine it would be. The dentist and I... we had a falling out a few years ago. Some words were said that couldn't be taken back and, well... they say that the best revenge is to live well. And so I am.

(Pithy bastard. I'll show him who flosses and who doesn't.)

So why do I stay in a job that I hate, loathe and despise? Because it isn't so much the job...it's just a small part of it. A small part that will be over soon. And then baseball will start, and I'll have a distraction. The job itself is just fine. AND I kinda wanna succeed at this DESPITE the co-worker mentioned previously.

I know, I know. Quit my bitching. Consider it done.

The wife had an interview downtown at the HHH Metrodome. (Same people who employ me on a part time basis. ) I accompanied her to the interview, and we took the 2 younger ones with us. Things went well at the interviw,and we're supposed to hear back on Thursday or Friday if she gets the job. Meanwhile, it was hard going when it came time to leave. Seems as though Anna (the 3 year old) thought we were going to a Twins game. And she wasn't going to leave until she got to see one. She wanted a hot dog with ketchup, mustard, and relish, and sit by the people, and watch the boys play baseball.

Lstening to her scream in the car on the way home was no fun, but it did help to know that she enjoyed baseball enough to throw a fit over it. Heartwarming or heartbreaking; you make the call.

It is late. I have a long day to trudge through tomorrow. I'll give you a huge update tomorrow. Talk to you then.

Ahhhhh...THAT'S the reason why I stopped writing.

A lack of topics! Well....let's see what we can come up with today.

A man in Maine is having a hard time competing with the other rival businesses in his area. He sells coffee. So does Starbucks. So does alot of other places. His solution? Topless waitresses. (Isn't that just a google image search just begging for a test spin? )

Now, normally I would applaud this sort of creative thinking, and there is no doubt that it would probably lead to more business, thanks to the men and non-traditional women in the Maine area who prefer to support the small businesses thanthe corportations.

That said...isn't this a workers compensation filing just WAITING to happen? Or disability? Something like that. Some poor 22 year old girl accidentally slips on some spilled coffee while carrying a pot full of 100% Columbian (that'd be coffee again, not the OTHER Columbian export) at 140 degrees is going to find herself with a future full of pain, scars, and skin grafts for some pretty important topography.


NOt to mention the 28 year old mother who is just getting back into the workplace after enduring 39 hours of hard labor. Think of how tiresome it would be to hear the strains of "You're the cream in my coffee" from every Joe that slaps down a couple of bucks for a half-calf de-caf, extra foam and double up on the cinnamon. Or the gents that beg you to bring them a mochachino with cream, heavy on the whip and caramel, but skip the coffee and the cup altogeather.

Ahhh.....it's so easy to criticize other people's ideas, isnt it?

Sex. Politics. Drugs. All of the taboo subjects to avoid talking about at work are discussed here.

But one is missing. WHat could it be? Hmmm......

Oh, I know! Religion!


I mention this because I've had an epiphany. G-d (someone please explain why you shouldn't include the "o" in that BTW) himself/herself/itself told ME and ME ALONE when the 2nd coming would be upon us.

You're reading it here first. The Saviour will return NEXT week, February 25th, in conjunction with the release of the highly controversial film " The Passion Of The Christ".

However, there needs to be a little re-write, since it's not actually the sign of Armageddon that people would think it to be. Turns out he got an invite from Mel Gibson for the Premiere, and he thought he'd check it out himself as an honored guest. "I'll be in town that week,and I was able to move some things around in my schedule to attend", said the Son of God. "Besides, Mel has always been one of my biggest supporters, and I thought that this would be a great way to give something back to him."

When pushed on his plans following the film, the Lamb of G-d was a bit elusive, but dropped a few hints that he'd probably see it more than once. "The first time you see a film like this, you spend so much time scrutinizing the small inconsistancies that they got wrong, that you don't get a chance to just sit back and enjoy it as the work of love that it is. And I don't want to make any hasty opinions on first glance."

Rumors have been abound about when he'd make his personal feelings known, and Jesus was straightforward in announcing that hehad recently came to an agreement with Roger Ebert about doing a special guest appearance on his show. "It's never been the same since Siskel left the show, and I thought I might be able to add a little something....seeing as how it's based on my life and all. And it's not like I don't have experience at doing reviews. I mean, who do you think judges the living and the dead? "

Alot has been made about how the Jews have been portrayed in this film, and their role in his demise. When asked, he said "Oh, they aren't all that bad. They're really good guys when you get to know them. They were just a bit misguided, is all. It happens to all of us at some point. We all lose our way. Well...maybe not ALL of us. I did ok by myself. (laughs)."

And what about Judas?

"We were just playing pool the other day. All's forgiven. People make mistakes. That's why Dad invented erasers. and White-Out. Man, that was a good one. "

With that, we ran out of time to talk. Turns out he had to do a sighting in a tree knot in Wyoming. Laughing again, he said "That one always gets 'em riled up. " (Note to self: Don't think that Jesus doesn't appreciate the occasional non-malicious practical joke. )

Just remember where you heard it first.

Sorry for the lack of updates and for the short update today. No reason yesterday, other than just complete exhaustion. Today, however....Baby Bailey got her year-and-a-half shots today. Normally this leads to a cranky, sore baby, with a little temperature.

Hoever, sometimes as a parent, it's hard to maintain rational thinking. A simple kiss on teh forehead makes you aware of a higher than normal temperature. You try to rationalize it as best you can, by assuring yourself that the nurse told you about this. But the NURSE AIN'T DAMN WELL KISSING MY BABYS FOREHEAD RIGHT NOW, IS SHE?! I didnt think so.

This fever is alot warmer than you expected. In a span of seconds, you are convinced that you are looking at your baby's LAST HOURS ON EARTH! You'll put her to bed after giving her some Tylenol to cut into the fever, but it's already too late. You'll tuck her in at night, naively thinking that she'll be fine when she wakes up.

The funeral will be emotional to be sure. You'll relent to a religious ceremony more to your spouses liking, and carry the bitterness and resentment until it just bursts out in therapy, making you realize that you just can't make this marriage work anymore, as you both blame each other for her passing. She'll take the kids and the house and the car....partly because the court decided it was best that way, and partly because you want to look magnanimous and giving to your now ex-wife in a half-assed attempt to win her back under a veil of pity.

It won't work of course. She'll find another more mature and masculine man, who has made his fortune with his backyard gyms for kids, which explains why your own children like him best. Course, it's hard for them not to feel humiliated when you'll be living behind the dumpster at the local church.

Yup, it's gonna be a rough 15 years before you find your feet again, finally finding a job as a school janitor. But then, by that point, the school board will have found out about that inadvertant google image search for "ball room". Pervert and degenerate, they'll call you. And that's what led you to that ledge on the bridge over the Mississip.

See what parenting does to you?

Thank goodness that the wife showed up to apply some logic to the situation. And don't tell me there isn't anything like Male post pardum. Baby Bailey is fine, and will continue to be so. Dad's nerves will mend and repair as time passes.

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED HALL OF FAME

Elle is there. So is Tyra. Christie BRinkley. But it's all a farce, because Kathy Ireland is nowhere to be found. Kathy was one of THE models who made the issue what it is today. Back when the phrase "Supermodel" really meant something. Now, it's simply an overused superlative handed out to those who haven't earned the title.



Sports Illustrated had the right idea, but it was poorly executed.

And now, I have to shuffle off. We'll see if we can't actually provide some substance tomorrow.

I read in the paper the other day that there is a local husband whose wife is serving overseas in Iraq. Seems he got a call the other day informing him that his wife died. After verifying with the Armed Services and a media crew, he was able to talk to his wife to verify that she was indeed alive. Turns out that someone pulled a prank at his expense.

See....pranks are supposed to be funny. Water baloons are funny. Tee Pee'ing a house is cliche' but relatively harmless. This wasn't funny. This was playing with the base emotions of a man whose already on edge. Whomever has been so callous deserves to do some time for this. 5 to 10 years seems the right amount of time to think about the damage they've done.

Anyway, back to our Model bios.

Fernanda Motta is from Rio de Janerio. In 10 years she wants to be a mother, and selling something with her name on it. Autographed copies of a Gentlemen's magazine seems appropriate.

Carolyn Murphy has a boyfriend who is the lead singer for Incubus. Just another case of a rich guy getting richer. I hate Incubus.

25 year old Petra Nemcova likes to go scuba diving, which I find very coincedental, because I like diving down too! But then, don't we all?

Daniela Pestova would ahve been an elementary school teacher, had she not been a model. Now, I remember a few student teachers passing through when I was going to school, but I'm not entirely sure my senses could have taken Mrs. Pestova. She's probably better off as a model.

Frankie Rayder knows her baseball, and has some hauntingly sinful eyes. But she's hiding something behind those smoldering eyes. She's from WISCONSIN. (DUHN-DUN DUUUUUUHN.) And the person she'd most like to meet is a devil's henchman....Brett Favre.

Molly Sims doesn't suffer from any sort of delusion, growing up in Murray, Kentucky. Murray Kentucky has a Cracker Barrel resteraunt, that allegedly feeds a family of four. well, sure. If the mom is a supermodel who eats the crackers and nothing else. Still, if she can look that good just eating crackers, maybe I should give it a try.

Veronica Varekova tsk tsk, Veronica. She smokes cigarettes. There's a spanking in your future. Only in my dreams? Who told? Having never had to work before, maybe I could suggest a couple of jobs you could do. Ok, now that was just vulgar and I apologize. Wanna spank me?

(Sorry. )

Jessica Van Der Steen was once a ball girl for the Royal Antwerp Football Club. Uh..... I think there's been enough double entendre' for one night. Her mother told her that she looked like Miss Piggy when she was growing up. Well, I dunno about when she was growing up, but she looks like grade A pork material to me.

Jessica White. Buffalo, New York. Wants to meet Halle Berry. Jessica, I'd like to meet the both of you. And I don't even care if I have to be in a hospital bed to see it happen.

The Issue then follows up with a story on the overrated Jimmy Buffet. Why? Why is this here? Why wouldI read this? Argh. You're getting in the way of my gawking! This is just not right!

Then we get tothe Adriondacks, NY for a shoot. Highlights include Carolyn Murphy stretched out with a mesh top, and what appeas to be chafed nipples. Here, let me apply some lotion to help with that. What do you mean "Comply with the retraining order"? You try to be a help around here....

She also appears topless a few pages later, sporting some adidas kickers, reminiscent of the ones Run DMC wore in the old Walk this Way video with Aerosmith. Carolyn, if you and I were ever caught in a lift, you can bet that there'd be some "Love in an elevator." Oh, sure, it'd be "tricky", but "It's like that, and that's the way it is."

Fernanda Motta needs help out of the water, Molly Sims is showing through a smoky black shirt, and Frankie Ryder isn't modeling any suit other than her birthday one. it's extremely nice, but I've yet to find it in any store.

Montauk NY checks in with legendary photographer Walter Iooss Jr. Probably the greatest sports photographer of our time, this should be some masterful shots here.

Oh.

Oh my.

Elsa Benitez leans against a surfboard with arms crossed, top off, and generating enough heat to cause this page to spontaneously combust. The man on the opposite page int eh Davidoff Coo Water perfume ad is well placed, able to use his water supply to counteract the smoldering hotness of Ms. Benitez. Lucky bastard. I'll ahve to superimpose my own picture over his.

Jessca White has a couple of lobsters, heart infused bikini bottoms with what can only be decribed as the most ridiculous (ingenious?) pair of denim cutoffs, and a white bikini top. Let's just save time and dip them all in drawn butter, and sort it all out later.

Ahhh...the body paint section. There is some masterful brush work here, but the best is Noemie Lenoir, who looks like she is removing a shirt which really isnt there. I just KNEW I should have paid attention in art class.

Lake Powell Arizona has it's own section, and Angela LIndvall is modelling.... a tire. I kid you not. Apparetly her cleaveage was misplaced for some sort of tire rack, becaus it's resting right between them, while her swimsuit is strwn on the ground beneath her.

And then a section on Anna Kournikova. Nothing. Nothing worth reporting on at all. My opinion stands. Oh-ver rate-ted.

IS that all that I'm to report on? Oh no. Much more material to grab. But it will have ot wait until tomorrow. I'm bing summoned to bed, lset my typing keep anyone awake any longer. tomorrow: The farce of a Sports Illustrated Hall of Fame, though not for the reasons you might think.

We'll review THE ISSUE in a little bit, but first a commentary on the impending trade.

The Yankees have traded Alfonso Soriano and the G.N.P. for Alex Rodriguez. Now, they already have Derek Jeter at shortstop, so they'll move A-Rod to 3rd base. PErsonally, I think The New Guy is better defensively, but when the current shortstop has a few World Series Championship rings....well, he gets seniority at the position.

So now the Yankees have a hole at 2nd base to fill, but have the best SS/3B tandem in all of baseball, whether it be offensvely or defensively. He'll need some time to adjust to 3rd base, but his athleticism will cover it up well. So the Yankees have just bought themselves another title, right?

Not necessarily. They picked up the MVP of the league and quite a bit of payroll to boot. The payroll doesn't matter, other than teh expectations that come with it. And they know better than anyone the pressure that Steinbrenner brings to the situation. Winning isn't going to be fun, anymore. It'll be a relief that they didn't fail. IF tehy don't fail. They're weak in the outfield. They desperately need a centerfielder who can cover ground (like say...our own Torii Hunter), along with a 2nd baseman. Maybe they have someone in the minors or maybe they have another trade to address that. But 1st base isn't a defensive haven for the Yanks either. So remember....pull the ball to the right when playing the Yanks.

Add to the idea that their pitching staff is a mishmash of proven, but aging and brittle pitchers. They've proven themselves in other markets, but this is New York,and I dont think many of them have had to prove themselves under such a harsh spotlight with so much at stake.

That said, they have so much top end talent, it'll be hard not to win. They've go their warts, but they've bought themselves into the team to beat.

What is more troubling is that even with the (ha ha ) restrictions that baseball has placed on teams, the Yankees are STILL going out and buying or trading for whomever they want with no regard for their own payroll or anyone elses. THe luxury tax that baseball put into place during the lastbargaining agreement was supposed to get all teams closer to a level playing field. It hampered the larger market teams for the most part, at least temporarily. But the Yankees have proven again that they are on a different level. The agreement made them limp, but it didn't break their legs like some hoped, and bring them back to the pack.

The only hope for other teams is to continually develop talent, and hope to get a few lucky breaks once they get to the playoffs. However, once that talent grows and matures...if it's any good it'll most likely end up in New York, and they'll reap the benefits. What does this tell the players? If you are any good at all, at some point in your career you''ll play for the Yankees.

Sidenote: I'm sure some part of this deal happened because Steinbrenner wanted to prove that he could do what the Red Sox could NOT in getting a successful trade for A-Rod.

Finished the taxes. Looks as though we're getting a decent return. Unfortunately because of this and that and the other thing, it's pretty much already spent. I have to say, the people at TurboTax have done a great job of turning out a great product. I completed the taxes in just a few days, and that was only because I was working on it a little bit here and a little bit there. And e-filing is great...just direct deposit straight into the account and we are set in 10-16 days. I tried a few times to do it myself with the forms, and realized quickly it only led to madness. So we went to a tax accountant. $150 to have him do all the work, while we had to sit and answer his questions over a 2 hour period with a rambunxious (sp) daughter. No no no. This will NOT do. So I spend $75 on Turbo Tax Fed and State, forget to mail in the rebates to get $20-30 of it back, and spend another $25 of my refund to file electronically.

Hmmmm......

At least this way I get the illusion that it's saving me a huge amount of cash. And with the software, it's easy enough that you could ALMOST classify it as fun. Not QUITE there, but still enough to know that I don't dread the process. And when you only claim 2 dependants when you actually have 5, you can generally expect a refund rather than having to pay in.

Valentine's Day went well. The neighborhood Nanny's mom took the kids for the late-afternoon/night so that we could be a couple again. Or for the first time. It's so hard to remember these days. We were able to go shopping and talk about anything or nothing without being interuppted with the "MomIwant"s or "Shehitme"s or "baba"s. Heck, just being able to talk without being interuppted! We could go into a store without worrying about steering a stroller, or wrangling kids, or who has what child with them. We could look at topics in the bookstore that rated higher than PG.

What I gues I am saying is that we were left to simply enjoy each other's company without being interefered.

We came home and ate a steak dinner, and watched a movie togeather. (Under the Tuscan Sun...very chick-flick-ish. Woman divorces, fears of getting caught in an emotional downslide so she buys a villa in Italy on a whim, and works on fixing it up. On the way to rehabilitating her outlook on life she meets an italian man, has what seems to be meaningful sex with him, and then doesn't see him for another 3 or 4 or 5 weeks. And then complains when she tracks him down to find out he's moved on. That happens when you give the brush-off. Anyway, I found it to be a rather unfulfilling story, but maybe other people liked it more than I. ) It wasn't an ornate affair, but it suited us fine. Hopefully you found yours as contented as ours was.

2nd sidenote: I drank 2 large fruit smoothies on Saturday to no avail. That will mean something to those that know what I'm referring to. All that healthy goodness, and nothing to show for it. What a ripoff! (NO, not really.)

OK, THE ISSUE REVIEW:

OK, first off how to handle this...do I go page by page offering commentary on each individual one? That would seem to be rather tediou reading for yor part, and ould probably require you to have a copy yourself. Since not all of my readers have (or approve of) a copy, I'll just offer some highlights throughout.

first, we ahve the cover, featuring Veroniva Varekova looking over her shoulder, playfully chastizing us for taking such an interest in the bow placed on her hind end. Or for the fact that we're drooling over ourselves as she holds her bikini top in her hand. V (short for Veronica, but here at the UPdate, since we're so close to her, we just call her V) is very appealing, and quite sexy. However, we've seen better covers than this, so we are not yet impressed. There are promises of a Hall of Fame, and Anna Kournikova within the issue.

More than likely, threre won't be a single thing that remotely resembles sports within this issue.

And don't tell me that Anna plays tennis, because she doesn't. She might pose with a racket in a tennis outfit now and then, but I hardly believe what she does is considered playing tennis.

Since we're on the subject, I have to say Anna K is one of the most over-rated girls I've ever seen hyped. Cute, but certainally not the hottest girl I've ever seen. I realize I'm in the minority on this, but she justdoesn;t make me sit up and take notice. She's not even the hottest girl tennis player I've ever seen! That'd be the first version of Jennifer Capriati, if you're curious.

Then again, it's not like Anna K is as bad as Martina was. Or that woman who faced off against the guy back in the70's as some sort of women's rights movement. Diane Keaton, I think it was. No no. Wait. Lily Tomlin. Yeah, the incredible shrinking woman. Yeah, that's it.

There are some bios presented of the photographers and the assistants and what not. BLah blah blah. I'll read these at some point, but not right now. Currently, it's just wasted space that could be used for Rebecca Romjin. And don't bother to correct me about adding on the Stamos part. Daily Update law does not recognize that particular claim of marriage. Ah, finally at the models bios on page 17. May Anderson is one from theNetherlands, who suggest we should visit Denmark, since everyone allegedly is as gorgeous as she is. Riiiiiight.

Ana Beatriz Barros is Brazilian, though so far I haven't found a picture that confirms that in this magazine. (In addition to being her nationality, it's either a type of wax or cut, but if you don't know what that means, I wouldn't advise looking it up at work. ) If having her on your arm wasn't enough to make you feel like the luckiest bastard on the planet, then be sure to note that she is obsessive compulsive about cleaning her home, and that she loves to bowl, despite never breaking 100. Don't worry guys! She won't challenge your masculinity in bowling!

A personal favorite, Elsa Benitez is up next. Again refusing to acknowledge her marriage certificate (thisone to to a former NBA player), ELsa has a rather acute sense of foreboding that saved her life. Turns out that she was supposed toget on a plane in '96 in Washington DC. She had a terrible feeling taht something was going to happen, and broke down in tears. She intentionally missed her flight, and it exploded shortly after takeoff.

Yamila Diaz Rahi follows, and likes to "Blame it on the Basa Nova" the dance of love. Another Daily Update Favorite, she was in a commercial with a geeky guy and some GE appliances. Oh, to be her GE washer with an unbalanced load on the spin cycle.

Bridget Hall is a pretty, blond Cowboys fan, who would like to play the Glenn CLose character from Fatal Attraction. 'Nuff said.

We also have local girl Melissa Keller, who originally hails from Long Lake MN. Bad: 9 tatoos. It's ok for a girl to have 1 or 2, but....sooner or later the tatoos make you look a bit skanky. Worse: one of the tatoos is an electric GREEN lightning bolt. Yeesh... GOOD: Former Pannekoeken waitress. Pannekoeken is a resteraunt and a food, the latter of which resembles something similar to a dutch baby or a pancake, though with a bit more egg. YOu typically top it with fruit or sugar or something similar. One wonders if the same could be said for Melissa. Better: Melissa is not flat as a pannekoeken.

Neomie Lenoir replacing her mom as her idol with Angelina Jolie. She also listens to Norah Jones. She also is French. None of these things matter to me, since I'll never meet her. So I'll just admire from a distance.

Marissa Miller is a blond woman all of 24, and she knows how to throw a football. Even better, she plays volleyball and basketball. She also apparently wears little clothing. All pluses towards becoming the perfect mate.

Angela Lindvall currently lives on a tugboat on the Hudson River in New York. Having never been there, I can only imagine what it's like. That said, it sounds like a terribly cold palce in the winter. Surrounded not only by freezing win on all sides, but also by freezing water on the bottom of the dwelling as well. OH,that's right. I forgot. The nuclear waste in the river keeps it warm, and that neon glow must provide a keen night light for her 2 year old son!

oops. Midnight-20 and I have work tomorrow. Err..today. Training no less. MOre tomorrow. I promise.

Gambling! Viagra! Travel! Flowers! Lingerie! Sex Video!

No, these are not my plans for Valentine's Day. Well, maybe 3 of the 6, but I'm not saying which. You guess.

No, these are just some of the key words that pop up as links on their own when I post these logs. They are not of my doing, and if I knew how to stop it, I would.

A particular treasure of my wife's was defaced by an unknown cretin the night before, and she was understandably emotional about it. We're still in the process of finding out just who was so callaous as to damage such a cherished personal item.

Add to that some 3rd party criticism from a friend as to how I handle Valentine's Day with my spouse... much reason for not writing when you're MAD AS HELL, AND YOU"RE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!

The main criticism? I'm not spending money right and left to woo her with flowers and chocolate, and lingerie, and day spas and dropping Franklins (read: One hundred dollar bills) on some jewelry. Bling Bling. Ice. A girl's best friend. Texas Tea. Ok, maybe not that last one.

Funny, but it seems as though women, or at least my wife, aren't as concerned about it on Valentine's day if they are woo-ed (?) year round. Rather than make a big deal about her on just a handful of days throughout the year --holidays and birthdays-- I find that treating her with respect and love throughoutthe year has its own rewards.

Besides, with 3 kids, Christmas, a broken steering fluid line, a 9 year old's birthday party coming up....there is only so much cash to go around. And let's make this clear.....it works both ways on Valentine's Day. Women can woo the man too, for crying out loud.

I have some ideas in mind for what I can do for VD that won't cost much. They're ideas I've had before, but if they worked once, they'll surely work again.

It's not that I don't WANT to do those things for her. I'd love to be able to wisk her away to Las Vegas or wherever for a great weekemnd, and buy her beautiful clothes, and trashy lingerie, and diamonds that would make her gag, and all of that sort of thing. Instead, I'm gonna be financially responsible and save that for a really nice house in a year and a half. Something with a big kitchen, like she's wanted for forever.

Funny thing is? The guy who was so quick to give me advice for Valentine's Day is in the doghouse. Seems that he was flipping through the picture book in his wife's wallet, and found a picture of a rather largely buildt woman. So he asks" Who's that? She's fat!")

It was his OWN WIFE when she was younger. 1. He didn't recognize own wife, and 2...well, making a comment about her weight isn't the most endearing form of flattery. He'll need whatever jewelry he got her to buy his way out of the doghouse. And even then, he's not garaunteed that he's completely forgiven.

He's one of those guys that buy jewelry for every occasion, which works great for him. Personally, I think it's better given judiciously, only on very special moments. Otherwise, if you get jewelry all the time, it loses it's meaning. Jewelry isn't as special as it used to be.

I'm sure, however, there are women outhtere who would diagree with me. But tell me this...how many days in a row could you eat your favorite food before it started getting to be dull? How many holidays in a row before a $99 necklace seems like just a ho-hum gift? It just might be sooner than you think.

With tomorrow being Valentine's Day, it gives everyone a chance to reflect back on previous VD's. Mine are probably no different than yours. For grades K-4 it was all about the candy, though we were always excited tobe able to make our own Valentines Day boxes. Kid would make their's into all sorts of odd things, like a baseball stadium,or an animal, or whaterver. Kind of like they wre pinata's in a way. I remember in 4th grade my dad helped me make one that looked like a computer. It was really cool that he helped me, though I personally would have preferred a shiny metal exterior, rather than one that ahd some sort of wood panel design on it. Either way, I appreciated the effort he went in to making it for me. Being rather unpopular at the time, it wouldn't have mattered what design I brought in. It'd get lampooned by my classmates and I'd get harassed about it. If I had brought in a scale sized replica of the Statue of David, they'd freak. Ok, bad example. The nudity would have gotten the teacher upset, and the other kids wouldhave accused me of being a homosexual. I think you get the picture, though. Despite all that, it was a source of pride for me.

Around about 5th grade, though....something changed. everyone gave everyone else a Valentine, "so there wouldn't be hurt feelings." Never mind the fact that I was giving Valentine cards professing friendship to the same jerks who incessantly bullied me throughout the year. And they in return. We both knew the score, and what their true feelings were. But in the 5th grade, you started to care about the cards that you got form the GIRLS in your classroom. You'd never admit to it, but there typically was one girl in the class that caught your eye. So as you sorted through the Valentines you GOT, you'd try to be casual about it. Boy valentines over here in this pile, candy in that one, and girl valentines over there. Oh here's one from Scott. There's one from Heidi. Sooner or later, you were BOUND to find the one from THAT GIRL. Oh sure, she had propbably purchased them at Target or the local Ben Franklin and filled out the other cards with a banality and boredom usually reserved for the waiting room at the Dentists office.

But maybe....just maybe the card held some signifigant meaning. maybe she had scoured through the mass-produced pre-packaged Garfield Valentines to choose JUST THE RIIIIIGHT ONE to express her hidden feelings about you, forgetting for a moment that you are the lowest person on the popularity poll in your entire class. So you glean over the card again and again, inspecting her signature on the back for any sign that maybe she might like you too. You'd never expect her to admit it. Not now. But it'd give you hope for the future. You'd pull your own internal Sally Field moment. A girl likes me! She really likes me!

But all she did was sign her name. Michelle. Not "Love, Michelle". Not "Achingly yours, Michelle". Just Michelle. The card held no special meaning. Just Garfield on the front with some lame Happy Valentine's Day wish. It wouldn't be one that you could pin on your wall at home, to admire in all it's glory. It wasn't one that made you feel like you should run home, reserve a special place in your junk drawer for it, and take it out on the days you most needed a reminder that there was someone out there that thought of you.

Future valentines would be just as depressing. No flowers for yours truly. No candy, other than from my parents. That was nice and all....I loved them and they loved me. they cameand went with no sign from any girl tehy wanted to spend the day with me. It held no particular signifigance, which as time went by became more and more annoying. (Notice how it went from a 2nd person perspective toa 1st preson perspective? Weird.) And as a teenager with hormones on edge, it became particularly frustrating that I wasn't having SEX on Valentines day. Turns out I was still socially awkward. And the girls priorities on VD was much different than the BOYS for VD.

The prevailing sentiment amongst the guys was that it wasn't a good Valentine's Day unless you got in her pants. The Girls? I still don't have a clue.

Once married, I realized that intimate relations on that day don't mean any more than they do on February 13th, or September 29th, or June 21st.

I have no way to casually segway out of this, so prepare for an abupt change in subject.

ABRUPT CHANGE!

Thursday has come and gone, and still no sign of THE ISSUE. Now, it's only 24 hours past deadline, and I am trying not to panic. But if I Have to, I'll hunt down the mailperson and demand they relinquish my copy. I understand everyone wants to see it, but borrow someone else's copy instead. Should it arrive tonight or tomorrow, don't be surprised if I update over the weekend, and weigh in with my own review.

Getting back to VD for a moment....under the idea that the man woos teh woman on VD, and NOT the other way around; what do Lesbian couples do? Just stand around looking at their watch waiting for some guy to come along and give them flowers? (That question is obviously rhetorical. ) And don't tell me that whoever is more BUTCH has to do it. Lies. Lies and Slander.



It had to be you, it had to be you
I wandered around, and finally found
The somebody who
could make me be true
Could make me be blue
or even be glad
Just to be sad
thinking of you
Some others I've seen
might never be mean
Might never be cross
or try to be boss
But they wouldn't do
For nobody else gave me the thrill
With all your faults I love you still
It had to be you
Wonderful you
It had to be you


Wow, I'm all over the baord today. I apparently can't seem to compile it into any consistent format, so I'm going to give up for right now. My train of thought has been de-railed.

Happy weekend everyone.

Quick shout out to Jut-Oh-Hutt-Nutt for his wonderful news. Congrats to you and Carrie on the impending arrival! I'll try hard not to provide unsolicited advice as much as possible.


When in doubt about what to write about, fall back on a news website, and comment about the headlines.

First, there is this story about a woman who was so bereaved at the loss of her boyfriend to an accident, that she married him anyway. 2 years or so after his death.

Now, I am not so calloused that I don't see the weepy romantic part of it. SShe loved him enough that she wanted to be married to him, even if he was dead. Aw, how sweet. But here's the thing: in just about every marriage vow, there is a line that reads "Til Death do us part." SO the moment the ceremony was over, it becomes null and void! The enitre wedding is moot!

And it's not like it's going to be consumated any time soon. Or at least I hope it isn't. If the "husband" isn't there for the wedding, chances are he isn't showing up for the honeymoon, either.

And while it's likely not the case, it IS possible that he never intended to marry her in the first place!

Now, granted, it's France...but how is this allowed and not gay marriage?

(uh oh, NOW the issue is out there. Now what? )

Here it is. The Sanctity of Marriage isn't going to be tainted or torn asunder or shat upon because 2 people who happen to be the same sex love each other, and commit their lives to making the other persons life better. You want sacred union? Show me a lesbian couple who suffer through cancer together. There is a sacred union.

Your real threat to the Banner of Wedlock are those that treat it as a contract to screw for a night, so that they don't have to feel guilty about having sex when it comes time to answer for it in front of God. Or the lady who was on one of the afternoon talk shows a year or so ago, who married her 7 year old son. (Nothing perverted I think....just some rabble about dedicating her life to him. Still, wtf?!) Or pop star celebrities who run off to Vegas and get married for a night,a nd have serious regret about it 7 hours later, when the alcohol wore off.

The Star Tribune had a response from someone who said that it was wrong because a man and a woman can have a baby, whereas a woman and a woman could not. Well, I happen to know plenty of heterosexual couples who CAN'T have a baby,a nd I know lots of man-woman marriages that DO have babies and SHOULDN'T. Susan Smith comes to mind, for example. (Carolina woman who drowned her kids in a car. )

Love, like football, is as simple or as complicated as you want to make it. People are different,a nd have different likes and dislikes. SOme people like Coca-Cola instead of Pepsi. Some like chocolate and some don't. Some guys like guys instead of girls. That's who they are. I personally don't see anything wrong with it, other than it's not for me. I can't tell them how they should find happiness anyomre than they can tell me how to find happiness in my life. life is much too short, and real love so rare that it's silly to let a silly thing like gender get in the way of a marriage.

Why I go off on these marriage speils I have no idea.

The family van has suffered a deep gash to the power steering lines. either it was too cold and they cracked, or who knows what. Either way, we're plopping down a good $175 to replace them. Oy vey. Not only that, but we're looking at an additional amount of cash to replace the wheels, which we are told have little tread on them. Hmmm......

Is there any market for pasty white guys with a very slight build who does not know how to dance in the Male Stripper community? Even if it's to make the other guys look good? I'll have to break out the red thong and cowboy boots, but they shouldn't be hard to find....

The real tough part is getting fanatical for a few days about doing stiups evry moringing, and then slowly but surely convienently forgettingto do them until it's a distant memory.

Hope everyone out there is having good days. We'll see you tomorrow.

Hoo boy, plenty to write about today.

We'll try to keep it fairly short, though some sports items are involved, so I might lose some of my readers partway through.

First things first though, I came across this article on Netscape. Basically it's a study that goes on o state that men are more inclined to cheat, since it's "spreads the love" (not an actual quote form the story), and we're more likely to have many children that way. Women are more likely to go after rich men, because they're more than likely able to provide for their own offspring.

I agree with this, actually. I also agree with the Doctor who felt that any guy who uses this study as proof that he should be allowed to be promiscuous outside of his marriage is an a**hole. Ok, she didn't put it that way, but seeing my family hurt by this first-hand, I can tell you that the justification is pure crap. I'm not saying that monogomy is for everyone. It just isn't. But then, marriage isn't for everyone either. Are the two synonymous? I would like to think so, but I'm not naive enough to think so. You have to do what works best for your marriage. In an ideal situation, that would be two people who love each other, are commited to each other, and retain a monogomous relationship. However, some marriages work best under something akin to an "open-(door) policy". Replace door with whatever you'd like.

IS that cheating? No, not necessarily. If you and your spouse have both come to a mutual agreement BEFORE you got married that this is how it would be fore you, than so be it. As long as the marriage itself is one of support and love (in all of it's various forms) and understanding.

If you enter into a relationship under the auspices of being monogomous however, and one person strays, well.....it is what it is. And no beating of chests, and stupid statements like "I'm a man, and I NEED to cheat to spread my seed,and it's part of who I am" is going to make it right in the eyes of the one you married. To think so is to think entirely of yourself, and nothing of the feelings or the well-being of the one that you committed your life to.

I'll admit that as a man, even though married, I'll get a tingle for another girl I see on Tv, or walking by or whatever. That would be the caveman instincts doing their job. I feel the desire building from time to time. And it's not a bad thing, any more than my wife finding Johnny Depp or Vin Diesel, or some other Don Juan hot. (2 way street, you know. )

But what makes you a human being, and NOT some drooling monkey is that you have the ability to reason and you have control over your own actions. If you cannot be responisble for yourself, nor to show the will power to control your own emotions, then you have failed to become human. Keep in mind, I am talking about the habitual cheaters. I have room in my graces for a moment of weakness, though handled on a case-by-case basis. But even that being said, cheating once can cause some devestatingly hurt feelings, not to mentin the scary possibility of some STD's. And once you've cheated, you're more likely to cheat again, so it's a slippery slope.

Anyway, my point being is that while the base instincts to populate the world maywell still be within our genetic make-up, we have evolved to the point where we should be able to move beyond that. We are no longer primates...we've evolved beyond that, and should be able to take control (and responibility) of our own actions. And I don't think there's enough of that going around these days.

Anyway, enough preaching at the pulpit today.

The Chicago Bears hired a new Qb coach to mentor our young and impresionable new QB. To my mortification, it's Whiskey Wade Wilson. Never quie the public drunk that Tommy Kramer was, I am still resigned to the fact that Rex grossman will be the next to turn up on the DUI list. Course, Jim McMahon was known to hoist a few in his time as well, so maybe it won't be all bad. I'll just have a hard time living down the fact that one of my least favorite Viking players of old is in charge of developing the Bears of the future. I know a few co-workers already waiting to start in on it.

In other sports news, the Local 9 signed Jose Offerman to a mino league deal, with the idea that he'll be a left-handed batter off the bench, and occasional utility guy, capable of playing at 1st, 2nd,a nd even a little outfield. My own personal hope is that he kows how to bunt,a nd shows some of his new teammates how to successfully move the runners over. Fat chance of that happening, but I can hope. If he comes in and contributes, great. But I don;t see alot of poeple heading into the Twins pro shops to snarf up Jose Offerman jerseys.

I am resisting the temptation to head over to CNNSI.com (link not provided, for fear that I might not resist peeking), since they ahve a sneak preview of THE ISSUE. Apparently there is body painting, which was a huge hit a few years ago. You've seen it elsewhere, I am sure. (A recent modelling show had it for their first episode.) Noone has done it as well as it was done in Sports Illustrated though. And nowhere did you want a bucket of water more. (Turpentine might work too, but doesn't work well with human skin.....) Should I find you examples? hmm........ To link or not to link. Well, that decided THAT, I suppose.

Ah well. Another day logged into the abyss of the internet.

Much much more arriving in later dys.

My wife was upset with me the other day, as she struggled to deal with the kids at a local mall. Seems as though Anna had a need to use the restroom, but refused to do so. This issue came up again last night, when we went out to eat.

"Mommy, let's go home so I can poop."

Yup. She has adopted her father's "Friendly Bathroom" policy. She refuses to use a public bathroom if she can at all avoid it, making potty-training quite problematic. And yet, you cannot force a child to poop when or where they do not want to. That would more than likely be detrimental to the goal itself.

Ah, but what is the "Friendly Bathroom Policy"?

It is as such:

A "Friendly Bathroom" is one that provides a calming and comfortable atmosphere in which to defacate with confidence! More often than not, you are most comfortable with your bathroom at home, where the surroundings are familiar and decorated to your own tastes, and essential tools for the process are easily found. Additionally, you most likely know who else has used the bathroom in a recent amount of time. This assures that you know how likely it is that you'll contract something horrible for simply wishing to make a deposit. Another important feature is comfort. A seat must contour nicely to your back end, and not cause any discomfort or decrease blood circulation. A "Friendly Bathroom" also must provide a certain garauntee of privacy. Reading material, particularly periodicals that have interest to you provide a certain additional benefit, but are not necessary. In fact, in a public bathroom, since you have no idea of their source, it's actually a detriment.

(Side note: does anyone else think it would be funny to go into the main offices of PETA, use their restroom,and leave behind a copy of Field and Streaam or The In-Fisherman as "reading material"? I suppose it would work to leave them in the waiting room, but that's not the point. )

Public bathrooms by their nature, complicate things quite a bit for those of us who are "Friendly Bathroom" advocates.

By in large, most public batherooms are actually USED by the public, and thus you do not know who might have used it before you. Using a seat that may have just been used by some unclean lothario who is getting over a bad time with Seafood Samantha (known for her crabs) is enough to drive most "Friendly Bathroom" disciples running (whilst holding their cheeks shut) in fear.

Worse, not everyone is known to clean up after themselves, to say nothing of flushing. Sure...that MIGHT be water on the seat. But you're not gonna take the chance. And nore are YOU going to be the one to clean it up. Move on to the next stall. Unless there is a stall even further away. the more distance you can put between you and the soiled seat, the better. And if the previous user neglected to return the contents of the bowl to the local Water Treatment Plant, well, we'll just try to think of something other than the prodding pressure on our back gasket for the 20 minute ride home.

Sometimes, even if the seat and bowl are otherwise befreft of soil, a bowl that has not been cleaned and does not sparkle like new porcelian will force a Friendly Bathroom follower to "gamble". A bowl that shows water stains, or build up of any form is disconcerting.

Moving beyond the seat itself, is the surrounding area free of any trash? Is the immediate environment clean, or are there paper (toilet/news, etc) strewn about the seat? Is the floor itself dry, or is there a lakebed of waste products between you and your drop-off point? Is the stall open, allowing for ease of movement, or is it restrictive and confining; clautrophobic-like?Is it well stocked with cotton tissue, or are you left to peel the paint off of the stall walls for cleaning purposes? Is the cotton tissue of acceptable softness, or are you better of with anelectric sander, or the ark of an oak tree? Is the area well lit? TOO well lit, making you feel self-concious of your evil dirty deed? Or is the light subtle, allowing you to focus inwards on the task at, uh....., well not necessarilly at hand, but....

Bathrooms that are at your place of business CAN BE "Friendly Bathrooms" however. A certain level of comfort and trust has to build up between you and the stall, and over time it proves it's merit for the job required. However, never believe that it can maintain that level of excellence. At best, the highest it may be awarded is one of a temporary designation, a foreign-born national carrying a green card, if you will. If it were to not meet the standards set forth for a "Friendly Bathroom", it would have to start abck at the beginning, and prove itself all over again. Woe to the toilet that makes you suffer the ultimate huimilation....the Clog-And-Overflow. It should never be trusted to handle your stink-free feces again! (The toilet, not the foreign-born visitor.)

Another sort of bathroo is the "friend's bathroom". While it carries many traits of a "friendly bathroom", it belongs to someone else. The surroundings are not quite as familiar, and you are unable to relax as you would in your own Friendly Bathroom. You cannot simply let go with no regard for those on the other side of the door, as you normally might. You have to take care not to leave any "incriminating marks" on the scene, and you assuredly cannot choke it shut with your offering.

You also may not have built up a rapport that is so often needed with such a fixture.


Do not believe however, that your own home collection site is immune from having it's status stripped. A temporary removal of that title is sometimes required when it suffers it's own malfunction, or fails to live up to the standards afore mentioned. While not treated as severly as the public-class toilets, it is most definately a dishonor, and a harsh reminder that such a designation is earned; not given.

For some, the act of voiding is simply plopping down and plopping. For us, it's a way of life. It's not an easy life. It is one that demands sacrifice, will power, and adherence to aggressive standards set forth from previous disappointments in purging sessions. It also requires an extreme amount of clenching. The next time you see someone in a restroom, and they seem lost as to what to do or where to go....you will know they are a"Friendly Bathroom" believer.

They don't want your pity. They just want to crap without having to deal with alot of crap.

See you all tomorrow.

I was writing about my wife. She was the girl in the store.

There.

That solves THAT particular controversy.

Last night, we attended the 2004 Ice Palace Carnival thing, where a cast of dozens (ok, hundreds to thousands) of Minnesota residents try to prove that they can take the cold wintry weather and like it.

Well, the old wasn't too bad last night, in that it was around maybe 10 or 15 degrees. However, when the snow and slush is about an inch to an inch and a half thick, your shoes have no traction, and you are pushing a stroller loaded down with a combined total of 60 lbs. of kids, and another 25 lbs. of snowpants and jackets, and you are faced with having to push this up 50 yards of snow covered sidewalk UPHILL......well, you're outlook on the entire experience takes on a different perspective.

Namely, THIS SUCKS.

Then you stand in line for a half-hour in the cold, waiting to get into the danged thing.

Some carnival. No rides. NO freak show. Not even a slack-jawed carnie, who doesn't care if he snuffs out his Pall Mall on the ground or in your forearm.

On second thought, with that imagery maybe it wasn't as bad as all that.

There as a sound and light show, which was fine. Anna was convinced that it was Sleeping Beauty's Princess Castle. A fact that she decided was undebateable. It simply was, and that was that. Fine by me.

When it was time to leave, we headed down the street to Cosetta's, and italian restaurant that also sells pizza by the slice. Considering how busy they were, we decided we would have to come back another day, but oh, memories.

I first went there when my oldest was in eutero,a nd I was a total of 18 years old. Funny how many memories can be tied to a landmark. Back then, I was a scared kid unsure of what was ahead of me. Now....I'm a scared adult with an inkling of a direction, but still unsure of what is ahead of me. And I have 3 kids now.

We ended up hitting Denny's instead. (Don't cry for me Argentina!)


We are now at the awkward period between the Super Bowl and Valentines day. What does this mean? Well, one: I'm broke. But that's not what I wanted to get at. Two: the arrival of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Expect a full write-up here. The wife and I critique it together each year. She, with a photographer's eye, and me with a man's special appendage. We'll provide you with complete coverage of women who have considerably less coverage.

(Writer's note: give your readers something to look forward to.)


Thanks to Czabe.com for the source picture, even if they aren't entirely aware of it.

I had thought about writing about the poor girl in FL who was kidnapped and found dead. However, it's Friday, and that kind of rage is best served on a Monday morning.

Quick synopsis: Tie the MoFo down to a chair, and give mom and dad an aluminum bat. Repeat as necessary.

I have a confession to make.

Well, actually a couple of them to make.

One, I have hardly anything to write about right now. Consider it Super Bowl burn-out. I hate to cover that uncovering subject again, and that seems to be the only thing that anyone wants to talk about.

The second confession is this: I saw the most amazing woman while I was out driving the other day. I was driving around in Maple Grove, and slowly drove past a store. As I looked in, I saw the most amazing curly haired brunette woman I have seen in a long, long time. I hurried over to Byerly's, spent my last remaining cash on some roses, and then headed into the store.

Not knowing how to approach her, I glided around the store so that she couldn't see me. I, however, could admire her from afar. As it was a large store, this wasn't a hard task. From a distance, her beauty was tantalizing. It taunted me and beckoned me at the same time. Her smile was easy and genuine as she helped the customers, and she set theme at ease with her calming entrancing demeanor. But how to approach her? While her radiant looks called to me like the Sirens to Odysseus, it also intimidated and humbled me, as if I was suddenly aware of standing on sacred ground. My fingers trembled, and I almost dropped the bouquet I was holding.

Quietly, I removed my wedding band and slipped it in my pocket. No need for this woman to know that I was married. Any guilt I would feel later would be balanced by the thrill and exhilaration of one brief moment --maybe even a kiss-- from this marvelous woman of incredible foxy-ness. (My column, my made-up words). The wife would never know of a small daliance.

I approached her Customer Service desk as slyly as possible. She was completely unaware of the loyal subject approaching the pseudo-altar; nor was she aware of the offering he was to present to her, hoping (if even futily) for her approval.

With her back turned to me, I allowed time to slow, so that I might appreciate her all the more. Was she single? Did she have a beau, or possibly even a husband? For a brief moment, I wavered. Maybe I should turn away, and abandon my impulsive behavior. If she was otherwise spoken for, I would look foolish, if I didn't already.

And what if she DID have a husband? Did he treat her well? Did he love her as she deserved? Or did he take her for granted, becoming accustomed to her presence and her mannerisms? The idea itself seemed preposterous considering how lovely she appeared to my eyes. And yet there are so many men out there who are completely unaware of the treasures they have in their own wives. Admittedly, myself included. But if I were to go through with this, I would need to remove any thought of my own marriage from my mind.

What if she loved him? What if she had found a union so perfect, that no amount of flattery could drive her from him? What could I offer her that he already had not?

Finding myself faltering, I snuffed out any internal strife, and committed myself to this act of infatuation.

She turned to help me, and my heart jumped in anticipation, revving up a few thousand Beats Per Minute. I felt dizzy and more alive than I had been since I had met my own wife back in high school.

"How can I help you today, sir?"

Words failed me. I normally took pride in being eloquent, but I couldn't think of anything as I took in her exquisite divinity. I hadn't bothered to consider what I was going to say! I told her that my heart was racing, and I couldn't slow it down.

For a brief moment, she was taken aback, unsure of what to say herself. Rather than let the awkward silence settle in, I bared my soul, telling her that I happened to be driving by when I saw her through the store window. I explained that I simply had to meet her, no matter the consequences, and presented her with the flowers that paled in beauty when set beside her own.

She blushed and said "thank you", maybe not knowing what else to say. I asked if she was married, and to my dismay, she was. Hoping to salvage the situation and yet traveling down a road I knew to be dangerous, I asked if she was happy in her marriage. She demurely replied that she was. I asked what time she was leaving work, and asked if she wanted to meet someplace afterwards to talk.

She politely declined my advances, saying that she was flattered but was not interested in an extra-marital affair. She was quite satisfied with whomever was the lucky bastard she kept well attended at home. Heartbroken, I thanked her anyway, assembled the shattered pieces of my dignity, and walked out of the store to return home.

Whoever is the person out there that fate has blessed with the honor of sharing a life with such a creature......take great care of her. She deserves much more than you or I could offer.

There. My consience is clear.

"Because

In the midnight hour she cried - 'more, more, more'
With a rebel yell she cried - 'more, more, more'
In the midnight hour babe - 'more, more, more'
With a rebel yell she cried 'more, more, more'
More, more, more."

Ah, Billy Idol. He came to my rescue today. As I got off a particularly frustrating day, I had some pent up aggression to let out. But singing along with Billy seemed to really help. (My apologies to those on 494 that may have witnessed what appeared to be a man screaming at himself as he headed down the highway at 65.)

We've been running an obstacle course of sorts at work. We've been making progress, and all of a sudden one of my relay teammates decides to trip everyone up 2 feet short of the halfway marker. Oy.

A little Puddle of Mudd's "She hates me" would have been appropriate as well, as that is a good song filled with the raw feeling of bitterness (though that of rejection,and not frustration. ) Some people would suggest Break Stuff by LImp Biskit.

My point is, there is something therapeutic to some headbanging music to help wick away the leftover "GRRRRRRRRRRR!"-ness that we all get from our jobs from time to time. Vivaldi and Tchaikovsky (sp) are all wonderful, but sometimes the savage beast doesn't WANT to be soothed. Sometimes the animal WANTS to be an animal with growling and teeth and hair pulling....

I think this just took a weird turn.

Warning sign: you confuse lust and anger as similar emotions. Well....not anger. But you get the idea.

Anyway...


I am just disgusted with myself. I go on and on about giving the crew of STS-114 (that would be the next Space Shuttle crew, for those that don't remember) their due, and then I don't bother metnioning them at all. So here they are.

There are 2 women on the flight. One of them is Mission Commander. The other a mission specialist. There is a Japanese mission specialist as well. On the flight last year, there were women. African-American. An Israeli who was also a Jew.

These crews are among the best and most talented individuals at their jobs. They are comprised of many different backgrounds and walks of life. They are proof that no matter who you are in America, whether it be a Christian girl from Oklahoma, or a native-American from Alaska, or a Latin-American from Rhode Island, or a teenager from a foreign country....You can become what you want to become. And the best place to do that is here. America.

We're not perfect. We have alot of issues of our own, both foreign and domestic. But we live in a place where we can make it better. We're not thrown in a gulag or dragged out into a dark forest and shot for offering a voice of dissent.

Sorry. I've heard from alot of people who aren't happy about the state of America, and seem to have taken a great amount of joy in leaving a steaming pile on the country. A person can only bite his tongue for so long.

Well, with Janet doing everything she can to drive me away, I've been left to adjust the "get away with sleeping with one celebrity" choice. The sitcom Friends brought the idea to the forefront, but it was a rather old conversation....if you had the opportunity to have a one-night stand with any celebrity, and the spouse would set you free of your bonds for that one indiscretion...Who would it be? Well, mine was always started and ended with Janet. But now....well, it needs revisioning. But I feel so disillusioned. So if anyone has any suggestions (and pictures) let me know.

Now that being said, you have to be careful about your choice. If you choose.say Salma Hayek, you have to be comfortable with the idea that your spouse will never want to see another Salma Hayek movie. Or if your spouse does, they'll be too busy spitting out various descriptions and colorful metaphors to actually enjoy the show. Can you live without that celebrity in your life? I am sure you can, but the media coverage of that celebrity might make things uncomfortable FOR you.

See? You never considered THAT part, did you? No, I thought not. Which is why you are better off choosing a minor celebrity or one in a specific genre that you don't get much exposure to. And if you only get one shot at it, you might as well make it worth it, right? Of course. So what am I saying?

"If you are going to get your one-time exemption, use it on a star of the grown-up film industry. "

Note: the advice offered here is not representative of a person in his right mind. You're better off taking advice from your pocket lint. But it's amusing, so we'll allow it.

I've run out of things to say, so I'm signing off for the night. I'm working on trying to add a counter to the website, but things aren't going right. It helps when you provide the correct e-mail address to the folks.

Have a good night, my friends. I hope the morning finds you, and finds you well.

Crimeny. My post got wiped out because of a system issue. Will post it all tomorrow.

"Channeling Dr. Smith. Dr Smith to the Daily Update please."

Oh, the pain! The pain of it all!

OK, I am posting later than I thought, but we'll make up for it with alot of content.

I made a point of writing down as many websites as I could from the Super Bowl commercials, and you'll see those to the right. It's up to you to decide which are worthy of clicking on. You've been warned; there were commercials for male intamacy issues.

So here are the notes:

PREGAME:

Super Bowl Sunday is an unnofficial Holiday, and needs to become a national holiday on the level of Christmas and Thanksgiving. Give everyone the day off who doesn't normally have Sundays off. Shut down businesses, like Supermarkets, and resteraunts, and Department stores, and malls.

The tough part of the day for myself is that you traditionally ahve a feast of snack foods, and chili, and hot dogs, and burgers, and other foodstuffs.....and I had none of that. I was to attend a friends party, but because of snow, the roads were too bad to travel with the girls. So my "feast" was one of mased potatoes, pot roast, and cornbread. certainlly not bad, but hardly traditional fare for such a stupendous day. Ah well. I am sure it could be worse.

--The first real notable commercial featured a black-and-white cow being sprayed with water, while 2 cows stood gawking. Turns out it was a commercial for California cheese. With all due respect, how good could it be? I mean, if it really was all that great, why the heck do we have Wisconsin? No really, I'm asking, because I'm all for getting rid of Wisconsin (the France of the States in America.)

--The Patriots Wr Troy Brown was interviewed before the game began, and he was talking so fast, and his eyes were so glazed over, I bet he was 10 seconds away from throwing up. He was SCARED, (rightfully so) and so am I for my pre-game pick.

--Aerosmith was horrible. The intro they had was stupid as heck, and they sounded terrible. It's quite obvious that they got paid before they performed, and not after. Say a prayer for Joe Perry. (Who was that on his guitar, by the way? Anyone know?)

---The tribute to the seven astronauts lost last year was nice, though I wish they had maybe a longer tribute to them, and maybe even listed them individually.

--Another nice touch in showing the newest shuttle crew for STS 114. Again, they just showed them as a group, instead of introducing them individually. Just not enough information provided for those who should be touted as our heroes.

--Jessica Simpson is sponsoring Pizza Hut. I want a piece.

--By the way, Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy were also in the commercial. IF the pizza had peperoni or sausage on it....it would mean bad news for the Miss Piggy family, wouldn't it? There are some major issues to address there. More chilling would be if Kermit liked the taste of pork. If you know what I mean. Some night, Kermit gets tired of flies for dinner, so he seduces Miss Piggy to bed, offering various husbandly (is that a word?) services, and while she is splayed out in front of him, he cracks her across the skull, and starts planning a luau.

--I'm guessing the coin flip is tails. Tails never fails.

--Doing the backstroke in the gutter dept: What would you rather have, HEAD(s) or tails?

--Don't answer that last one.

---I was right! It was tails!

--Ford GT; I gotta admit that it looks nice.

GAMETIME

---The Patriots force a punt, get the ball at midfield, drivedown to the red zone, and shoot themseves in the foot with an incomplete pass, a false start, another incpmplete pass, a run, and a missed field goal. Are the Vikings inthe Super Bowl again?

---Dan Henning, offensive coordinator for the Panthers, looked like Ted Williams. Now. As in frozen.

---Pepsi airs an ad with Bers buying Pepsi. I have to ask....isn't this cruelty to animals? Someone from the ASPCA had better be paying attention.

---We are now almost halfway through the 2nd quarter, and the Panthers are punting again. I haven't seen this many punts since I mis-spelled a Google Image search. (No, not THAT; PANTS.)

---9:15 into the 2nd Quarter and the Patriots are looking at a 4th and inches. Go for it? I say yes,given hw tight the game is so far.

---Thejersey may have said "Vrabel", but I am pretty sure that it was Lawrence Taylor who came around the edge and made a hachet chop to knock the ball from the QB.

---The Patriots scored their TD on a preat play action call; the linebackers just froze solid (SOLID AS A ROCK!), leaving the Wr to cut behind and catch the TD pass.

---Visa shows a commercial of a girls beach vollyball team playing on a glacier. Makes me reminisce about the Swedish Bikini Team. Ahhhh, mammaries.

Maaaaaaaaaaammaries.......in the corners of my mind.
Soft and yet firm maaaaaaammaries....like the way they were.

---Using the Orange County Choppers crew for the AOL commercials was impressive. If you've ever see the show, it's a group of bikers who come up with some choppers from scratch. Most of them have some sort of theme. Well, the commercials really caught the feel of the show.

---The Panthers score to even things up. Delhomme layed it in perfectly to Smith's hands for the TD.

---The Panthers score a TD, but there is still about a minute left. Now, in the last Patriots Super Bowl, they went for the points at the en of the game, rather than play it safe for the tie, and force overtime. I would imagine they'll do the same here and try to get some points before the half is up.

Aaaaaand looks like I was right. Stupid follow up with the squib kick though. The Panthers are able to get a field goal to end the half.

HALFTIME-

----oooh look! Janet! (Ms. Jackson if you're nasty.) It's 1989 again, with Rtythm Nation!

----His name is Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii..............
Kid Rock.

----Justin Timberlake dated Britney and now gets to sing with Janet? Mna that's just not....oh.

Oh. My.

Well, I always wanted to see that, but.....it makes for a rather uncomfortable position. This is NOt the venue I had in mind when I (often) pictured seeing Janet's uh....bounty. (see: treasure CHEST). Something is lost seeing her bosom in public with so many other people.

The kids were in the room. It was on the screen just long enough to catch their attention. Seeing that in front of the kids is somewhat like watching 9 1/2 weeks with your parents in the same room.

----yet another reason to hate Justin Timberlake.

----Well, THAT will take the attention off of Michael.

----What is worse, I had just finished saying that she was the most normal Jackson in that family.

2ND HALF:

Oh, for the love of Mike....some naked idiot out on the field. This is the Super Bowl, and this STILL happens?! Security for this Super Bowl rates an F.

Out of nowhere, Jermaine Wiggins, TE for the Panthers, showed alot of effort to get a 1st down by breaking a tackle and vaulting over another defender. More plays like that one will win the Super Bowl.

----Whichever punter performs the best (on the field) (kicking) will be the MVP.

----So,.....is Hidalgo the guy or the Horse?

----You know the saying about people and pets looking the same? Yeah, watch the Hidalgo trailer again,and tell me it's not true.

----We're going to ahve to call this the Muhammed Ali Super Bowl . A commercial for LINUX, an intro to halftime, and now this: a Gilette Mach 3 urbo commercial.

That said, it's actually a pretty good razor. Makes for a smooth undercarriage, ifyoucatchmymeaning.
You go through razors pretty quickly though.

----Lots of scoring in the seconld half. The offensive coordinators did a good job of making adjustments at halftime. I wonder if either is going back to the run though, to keep the ball away from the other, or if the shoot-out will continue.

----The Panthers just got a great TD to tie the game, but they left a good amount of time on the clock. Maybe too much. (Last time I remember thinking there was too much time left on the clock was an unforgettable Montana\Elway showdown back in '93 or '94.) That might hurt them. Same philosophy as before for the Patriots too.....they'll go for the win if they can, rather than take the tie.

----Oh.

That is BAD. That's close to a firable offense, kicking the ball out of bounds like that. What a horrible kick. John Kasay, we'll just call you GOAT from here on out. Why are there no famous goeats in Hollywood lore, By the way? I could have used one in this insult. Matt writes down GAME OVER.


----Sure enough...Patriots win by a field goal. Vinetieri is the greatest clutch kicker that I cna ever recall, Tom Brady gets the MVP, and if he's only 26. If he gets another Super Bowl ring before he retires, he's on par with Joe Montana as the greatest QB alive.

And that's it! That's the Super Bowl. On to the post game show, though I'll be the only one to see that. Sorry, folks.

Happy New Month, everyone.

OK. Quick note before the Super Bowl starts. I'll be taking note throughout the entire game (both on the game and for the commercials), and will be posting them afterwartds for those that want to read through it. Monday, Feb 2nd, will be a big big day for The Daily Update.

My prediction? Same as everyone else. the Patriots are going to win this, because they are too easily adaptable to any situation. They can present themeselves however they want with no difficulty at all on their part.

There has never been an overtime Super Bowl. Talk about your Sudden-death situations. I'd love to see it, but don't see it happening. Good luck to your own favorite team tonight.